How can BL orientation be good?
Submitted by Mark on October 10 1999 at 21:06:46
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Most of us BLers, myself included, seem to believe that our sexuality is good because it is part of how God created us. But I wonder how that can be, when many of us seem to believe that all sexual thoughts and behavior are bad. We say that having sex with a boy is bad, therefore thinking about it is bad, and masterbating while we do so is bad. If a sexual thought comes to mind, that's okay because we can't help it, but we should put it out of our mind right away because to dwell on it is sinful. I realize that our sexual orientation is more than just sexual desires--it also includes a desire to love, to be with, and to care for boys. So I guess we could say that our sexuality is good, except for the sexual part. But that hardly makes sense, since it is the sexual part that makes it sexuality! If it were not for that, we wouldn't be BLers--we would just have the affectionate feelings that many straight people have for children or adolescents. So we're really saying that those non-sexual feelings that others have are good, but BL sexuality is bad. We often try to draw a parallel with straight men's sexuality--a sexuality which is good as long as it is expressed within certain guidelines. I think this is a good idea. I assume that my orientation is qualitatively the same as a straight man's: my behavior is no more uncontrollable, my thoughts are no more obsessive/addictive, and my feelings involve just as much desire for emotional, intellectual, and spiritual closeness; that is, love. But the trouble is that straight men have guidelines within which they can have a non-sinful loving sexual relationship, therefore it's not sinful for them to think about it. On the other hand, the guidelines for us seem to be: don't express it at all, even alone or in your mind. The result is that some of us are constantly tormented by guilt for feelings we do not put out of our mind, and for masterbating while we have them. We pray that they will go away, but they don't. When I tried to stop fantasizing and masterbating, I found that that was when my thoughts became obsessive, and I couldn't sleep at night. This is not surprising, since this is our orientation, and for most of us it can't be changed. Some might say this is a cop out--that if we had enough faith or submitted our will enough to God, we could put these thoughts out of our mind. But I don't think that's true because it is our sexuality, and I thought we agreed our sexuality was good. Also, accusing BLers of a lack of faith or sincerity reminds me of similar accusations people used to make against those with physical problems. We now consider such statements to be abusive; we should consider them similarly when in the case of psychological difficulties. Our dilemma is made even clearer by the current research on gays and lesbians coming to terms with their sexuality, and developing a healthy, integrated self-concept. Everything I have read on the topic emphasizes the idea that accepting one's sexuality as good and expressible is essential to this process. Does that mean that we BLers are doomed to an unhealthy self-concept and a sort of split life? This reminds me of a comment made by a new friend of mine--a gay man whom I met with his partner at lunch yesterday. He said that when he was a teenager, he had read about how gay people were destined to live very unhappy lives, but now he realizes that most of what he was told by society about gays were lies. So how can our sexuality be good? Within what guidelines would its expression be good? How can we develop healthy self-concepts and attitudes about our sexuality? How can we integrate all parts of ourselves--including the emotional, spiritual, and sexual? I am not willing to spend the rest of my life constantly feeling guilty about my sexual feelings, fantasies, and masterbation. Mark |