Re: How can BL orientation be good?
Submitted by Heather on October 11 1999 at 00:00:36
In reply to How can BL orientation be good? Submitted by Mark on October 10 1999 at 21:06:46
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"Our dilemma is made even clearer by the current research on gays and lesbians coming to terms with their sexuality, and developing a healthy, integrated self-concept. Everything I have read on the topic emphasizes the idea that accepting one's sexuality as good and expressible is essential to this process." I take it that you haven't been reading much ex-gay literature. :) I had the interesting experience of stumbling across a celibate gay earlier this year. He isn't in the ex-gay crowd – he's proud of being gay – yet he still believes that it would be wrong for him to act on his sexual feelings. So for him, "good" and "expressible" are not identical. Similar issues took place in the early Christian Church, when it was believed by some that remaining celibate in order to devote all of one's energy to forwarding God's kingdom might be better than marriage – the liberals in those days were ones who thought that marriage was okay for some people. So this isn't a boylove-specific issue. I'd also point out that there's a difference between sexuality and sexual behavior. If you talk to any celibate priest or monk or nun, I think they're likely to emphasize that they do have a sexuality. Likewise, so does a lay heterosexual who, for whatever reason, never meets the partner of their choice and chooses to remain celibate. Your situation is no different than mine was before my marriage, except, of course, that you're much better at remaining chaste than I was. :) There have been plenty of examples throughout history of men and women who felt called upon to remain celibate all their lives – literature abounds with examples of men who fell in love with women who were in love with someone else, and who chose to remain permanently celibate as a result. None of those men, if you'd asked them, would have said that they had an unhealthy, unintegrated self-concept. On the contrary, they would have said that, by remaining faithful to their principles under difficult circumstances, their self-concept was much higher than that of the average married man. I think that we're in agreement that you shouldn't feel guilty about your sexual feelings, since you didn't choose them. Fantasies and masturbation are sexual behavior, and you'll have to decide where your principles lie in such matters. But I would encourage you to widen your reading beyond those who believed that the only way to an integrated life is through sexual activity – there have been many people who have found fulfillment in other ways, and who have not felt that they were denying their sexuality in doing so. By the way, since you bring up the analogy of people with physical difficulties, I'll mention that a friend of mine who is legally blind is quite proud of her status as a disabled person and is heavily involved in groups that take part in activism for the blind. That doesn't mean, though, that she would express her pride by driving a car. Heather |