Growing beyond boy love
Submitted by forgiven on October 25 1999 at 16:48:45
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Some 11 years ago a relationship with a 12 year old went too far and he told his parents about it. They came to the church leaders, who challenged me about it. I confessed it (note the intention of that term), and the parents chose not to get the police involved. Instead the church put me through the same course with a counsellor and encounter groups as I would have had as part of an offender rehabilitation package, and a group of leaders within the church have remained in close contact with me since. Since then I have lived a celibate life but perhaps the most important lesson that the secular input offered was that fantasy leads to action - a statement rather similar to Jesus' words about looking lustfully being as bad as the sin..... That's the past - the next major development was a 17 year old arriving in my life; over the following 2 years after the disater we grow close spiritually, by the end of the time spending an evening together talking and praying most weeks. At one point the leaders looking after me challenged where friendship was going, and at the following meeting he talked about his entirely conventional view on gay relationships (i.e. the same as my own), thereby removing the question mark, though then was not the moment to share where I was at. We've stayed in touch and he got married this past year. That set a pattern for the following years - some constructive relationships in the 16 - 18 age group and no significant contact with anyone less than 14. More recently I have established a close friendship with a group of 4 teenagers, 2 from the church, 2 from non local family links. This started over 4 years ago (when they were 14), catalysed by inviting my 14 year old nephew for the week end. On his own this was a bad idea, but adding a friend of his home town, and two kids from my church, who I knew via the church, developed into one of the best features of my life, with them coming each school holiday and in the middle of each term for a couple of nights. This year has seen them launched into the wider world of college, away from home; it is one of the joys of modern life that e-mail means I am able to stay in contact - though the most effusive e-mail is not worth a hug. (though it's not bad - 'I am very glad that you have been part of my life for the past 4 years'- is worth quite a lot!) The point of this post is that a life focused on the junior high school age has been successfully redirected to a less problematic age group, and the attraction for the younger age group has gone (on the rare occasions I see a 12 year old I completely fail to see where my attraction for that age group came from). It has not been easy - 2 years ago the senior pastor of the church got wind that the teenagers were staying over at my place (the junior pastor who was part of the group looking after me knew about it) and panicked. His initial reaction was a simplistic ban - but I negotiated that to giving the parents the choice on basis of being told of my past. They chose to tell the kids, who were cool about it, and this had the effect of freeing up the relationship to develop further on the basis that they knew where I was coming from (i.e. committed to celibacy - at least as far as gay sex is concerned). In this final academic year, I got to the point of inviting the local ones, now 18, round individually - and one of them actually challenged me as to what my motivations with him were; I could honestly answer that it was friendship and not sex that motivated me with him - but the question raised issues about what the body language of our friendship was saying (but I'm wildly proud of him for asking the question - he is straight by the way) - and what it might say to another less secure potentially seducible teenager. I don't claim that if one threw himself at me sexually I would be able to resist. For a substantial hole remains in my life - as far as being a place of real love and fellowship is concerned, my fellowship is a flop; there is virtually no spontaneous hospitality and th ose of us who are single are left largely to our own devices. As an unsociable creature, I struggle to form solid friendships - a problem not eased by the reality of having a secret and a past to hide, or that I work as a computer programmer, as computers do not help you sharpen your social skills! Part of the hole is filled by two 15 year olds one who comes and talks to me after church every Sunday, and the other who is the son of my house group leader and comes and talks to the first arrivals of the evening when we gather until being shooed away. Apparently the latter told his mum when he heard I was joining the group that he was really pleased because the former talked about me - which was really positive, if painful. In neither case is there any sexual agenda on my part and as far as I know they are both straight - the negative reaction of the first to my reference to Mount Athos (the orthodox monastic area in Greece) where no female animals or humans are allowed was remarkably unambiguous. So they keep me sane, and are safe and don't raise questions. I hope that the above of some value to some. In His name Forgiven |