Cuz my spirituality matter is lousy.
Submitted by KPK on November 30 1999 at 14:13:42
In reply to How about deaf gay christian church? Submitted by KPK on November 30 1999 at 11:40:50
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No matter if I am genius about KJV Bible and all interpretions blah blah geneology/anthropology/history/theology stuff as a ex-Baptist church's Sunday school teacher for the deaf, before a hearing pastor there chased me away for being gay 10 yrs ago... So what? I don't have a problem with that. My problem was always been my own spirituality matter, real deep down me inside... It was roller coaster when I was a deaf gay teenboy (since 1978 when I discovered this christianity stuff like it was new to me by then), then faced with series of stupid crazy churches during 1980's which played mind games on me that have to do with against being gay or pulling some so-called "healing miracle" hoaxes on me. Or seeing a protestant church mixing itself up with another catholic church whatsoever... Then I left that last Baptist church in 1989 and refused to join any churches that don't do well for deaf/gay/mixed Native American white christian all rolled together as one ever since and that was when my spirituality matter had went straight downhill and crashed at rock bottom from that time. And feeling like being sort of an "Paul of Damascus" in an reverse toward all of those churches and so-so "christian" people. I often called them as "Ichabod" churches and "christian" people who dwelled on hypocrisy A to Z everything, what I saw with them. You know what I am talking about. I also think it's a lot more deeper than that, more complicated... Something that have to do with my own low self-esteem since I was a deaf gay kid at around the time when I fell out of a hearing gaybashers' H.S. Before that had happened, I used to be a bright cheery sweet brainy kid at top of the class and was on TV shows too... All way down to this day as mediocre ex-painter or menial laborer at times, and feeling like i don't meant anything to a lot of people anymore at my age now. I am not that kid anymore what I used to be. I don't need to tell you the times when i hung out with some really bad people involved with drugs and booze A to Z everything crazy until I stopped being involved with them after 1992. Ok... Enuf of that stuff. Nowadays, I feel empty inside. Sad. Mild despression. Despite that I am trying to stay away from booze. Just wondering WHERE HE IS... I need Him. Anything to "jump-cable" it back on much better. I want be happy and not be lonely anymore. Still waiting for the Rapture (ya know what I am talking about) to come... Because I hate this world. Ditto my old life the way it is. There's no real love in this world. I wanna go home where there is REAL LOVE... Doesn't matter I am brainy or still is youngful handsome at my age, so what? And could have anyone who I want to date with... But is afraid of hearing people and teenboys in the general and nowhere are those who are deaf ones. But my spirituality stinks. That's the problem. Need help. Maybe your prayers for me. If it works at all. KPK |