Re: Stones and Loaves
Submitted by Ray on March 04 2000 at 20:31:22
In reply to Re: Stones and Loaves Submitted by Steve on March 02 2000 at 21:18:41
|
Steve, you wrote: I have become not the man I would have been had those experiences not happened. A fixation with Teenage development, genitals, the whole aura of a teenage boy attracts me and is often sexualised. Have you given any thought to what in that fixation is the real unchangeable you and what of that fixation you might be able to change? I've known of a man who at the age of 35 said he was gay because his uncle had anal intercourse with him at the age of 9. I didn't identify as gay until the age of 39, but records from a mental hospital when I was 17 have a notation that I exhibited homoerotic tendencies. I suppose I've envied the sexuality of streetwise teenage boys since a 17yo youth (straight, I think) guided me through mutual anal intercourse when I was 37, 2 years before I identified as gay. If society had helped the 35yo and I identify ourselves as gay by adolescence how would our lives be different now? I don't live my life by "What if?"'s. I have enough trouble trying to be sure of "what is," i.e., trying to discern what is the real and true me, and how best to live that reality. There are other reasons, for sure, for these feelings low-self confidence, no luck with girls as a teenager. But how can you say that these doors were God's doing, in order to bring about glory to him, when being that very person brings pain and sin and surely displeases God. The very process of "coming out" -- that is, of self discovery, of making changes in your life to become an authentic person, of discovering and using your gifts of the Holy Spirit -- is one that has associated with it bouts of questioning, low-self-esteem and, at best, low-grade depression. The degree of social/emotional support for implementing skills of change and depth of inauthenticity to be overcome determines to some extent the depth and difficulty of the process. BLers have a very negative image in society, so a very difficult process of maintaining themselves through self-discovery. I didn't know why I wasn't interested in girls as a teenager, but it wasn't a problem at the time! I was able to be relatively authentic! But because of many circumstances, the last 15 years or so of my life have been extremely high stress in a "coming out" process. I am having a difficult time finding the freedom in Christ to be me! I don't fully understand your reasoning on the approaches / activity of TJ's older friend, and your reasoning of his new feelings. Father, forgive them for not knowing what they do as we forgive ourselves for not knowing what we do! Sorry, I didn't address some of your concerns more directly. I'm tired and losing concentration. Ray |