greetings, updates, and i outed myself....again...

hey all you crazy cbf'ers out there.... long time no talkie talkie. i miss y'all, i dont get online very much, and often when i do, it is unsafe to visit...so i miss y'all, and you ar very much in my thoughts and prayers. the lord has been working much in my life lately. for full details, check out my post at BC (i post there under the nick fordrules). to summarize that post, i told a long time YF last week that i am bl. the cool part is that the night that i told him, i was not sure if the time was right or not. i said a quick prayer more or less to this effect: "god, if i should tell him tonight, have him bring it up himself, so i am not forcig it on him..." well, about an hour later, sure enough, it rolled right around into the conversation, and i had no choice but to tell him! (not that i minded terribly....hehe) he was very cool with it! we have got a long way to go yet, but he is more or less living with me now (this started before i told him, but he is cool with it...) other than that, life is even more chaotic and uncertain than usual. trial by fire has been in full force the last few months in my life.... i am still financially above water, but just barely. i am also in a couple of situations which i cannot really discuss, but which require lots of resources, financial, emotional, and physical. suffice to say that i am on the wrong side of the legal line in several different ways, but i believe this is okay. i may not be following the worlds law, but i think i am doing the right thing. this is (in my mind anyway....hehe, as strange as my mind is) one of those situations where the right thing to do does not mesh with the legalities.... so i am on the wrong side of the law, for good reasons, but it still is one more complication to keep myself aware of.... and should i get caught, i will face quite a horrible penaltie (among other things, federal prison....hehe, that is fun)...but it is a risk i am willing to take. and to make things more wonderful, my GF and i are not having much luck working things out.... which hurts, because i love her more than i can understand or say. and one of the things that causes so much friction is my BL.... and the way that i am because i am a BL. the whirlwind of the last eight weeks has settled down slightly, and i think i might be in one place for more than three days now. (that is the longest i have been in any place since january....) all this has caused me to drift further than i would like from the path the Lord wishes for me... which is no help either. but one small step at a time, and soon i will be back in His arms... and this is the first week that i have been mostly straight and sober in a long time.... and hopefully i will be for a little while, but as i am sure some of you know, falling off the wagon is a lot easier than getting on. i truly wish i could drop by more often, and maybe i will be able to, but maybe not. i miss in a big way the support this place offers. it is incredible to talk with other christian bls, even better than just speakig with other bl's in general. but it is a major help just to know that this place is out there, and to know that i can come by, even just occasionally. and if anyone is actaully still reading this babble and long winded nonsense, thanks for listening....you are all in my prayers. chris, i miss ya, bro, i hope you are well. mark, check yer mail, maybe i will actually be able to come visit in a little bit. bach, brother, i think constantly of you and the wonderful way you have walked with me. oliver, its been a while since we chatted, but i wish you the best, drop a line and let me know how you are doing. fod, we never did finish tat game. ya up for another whuppin? let me know...dirk, someday i promise to get close enough so we can finally visit...hehe grace, peace, and confusion for the moment....but always in His hands.... love, scott p.s. chris, if you are reading this, drop me an email. i miss talking with you. i dont know if you are online or not, but i think of you often. let me know how ya are...