Things I've Learned: Part 1
Submitted by Ford Prefect on April 08 2000 12:39:08
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Over the years, I've had several close relationships; virtually all ending with the one I loved fleeing from me. After studying the stories of other BL's and with counseling from a wonderful priest, and with confirmation from reading Fr. Henri Nouwen, I'm now able to see what went wrong. All people need acceptance. Ultimately, we need the full acceptance that only God can give, but in this life much of that comes through other people acting as instruments of God's love. Yet each of these people can only give a part of what we need. I, as a BL, have always felt severely limited in whom I could turn to for acceptance. When people would offer me genuine praise, I'd dismiss it thinking, "Yeah, but if you really knew me." And so, I'd search for at least one person who could actually accept me as I really was. Inevitably, the persons I'd find acceptance from were the very boys I loved. I wanted each to know me, to accept me, to give me what I was starved for…..and each would try valiantly to do just this. But somehow I never could really believe their acceptance for more than a little while. As soon as we were apart, and sometimes even when we were together, the doubts would arise again, and I'd need re-confirmation…….again, and again, and again. I wanted something from them they could never fully give, and eventually they would realize this. For their own sakes, they'd pull back and I'd feel rejection and reach out like a drowning person grabbing onto a rescuer. And, like the rescuer, they would have to retreat for their own safety. Any sexual relationship that had developed, however simple it might be, served only to exacerbate the situation. We would both enjoy it at first, it being fun for them and, for me, the best expression of acceptance I'd ever received. But as it became more important to me, it became less fun for them, until it became a duty, even a chore. I'd feel even more rejection and again things would proceed as before. At least I'd have the sense to let this aspect end, but not without feeling that once again, I'd failed to gain the acceptance I so desperately needed. Ultimately the relationship would end when my beloved would be forced to pull completely away, and I'd feel more worthless than ever and begin again to search for that someone who could finally bring me what I needed. It never occurred to me that there was no such person (other than God), thinking instead that, if only I'd done certain things differently, it could have worked. In the next part, I'll tell about what I've been able to do since discovering the source of my failures. ---Ford |
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