Landslide
Submitted by Pendragon on April 27 2000 21:42:28
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Hi All! This is my first post of hopefully many more to come as I get to know you all better and maybe even myself a little better. I cannot think of any better way to start my first post than to share my favorite song with you. It is a window into my very heart and soul. Everyone that I know knows that this is my favorite song. They simply dont know why. They believe that it represents my "dark years" as my brother so wittingly coined when I first started college and failed miserably. I was raised as the proverbial boy in the Christian protective bubble by my parents and simply did not know how to handle myself out in the real world. They do not realize that it encompasses my life as a boylover and the struggle I have had with it, my faith, and the love for my God. Even the boys that I work with know that they can talk to me at anytime about anything they need to but they all know that when this song comes on whether we are in the car on a road trip or in the house listening to the radio to be deadly quiet because it is my favorite song. Some of them have learned the song and sing it with me. It is truly mystical to hear a nine or ten year old sing your favorite song. I have never told anyone the meaning of this song for me. I give it to you. Landslide "I took my love and I took it down" (I took my love from the age I believe that it should be at to the age of children. I do not know why God has put this burden on my. I only know that there is nothing that God will put in my life that I cannot handle with His help.) "I climbed a mountain and I turned around" (There have been many "Mountains" in my life that I have had to climb. Of course, the one that I am contstantly scaling and trying to reach the top of is my love for boys. I have collected comics ever since I was eight. There is a character by the name of Electra. She is a ninja with a bad past. In the begining of her story it shows her in her red ninja garb trying to climb the face of a mountain. She must reach the top to prove herself. She fails. She must deal with her past and find out who she truly is before she can take the test of scaling the "wall" again. At the end of the story Electra is killed by another assasin with her own sai. She crawls off as she leaves a trail of blood to die. In the end of the book we see another ninja trying to scale the mountain to prove themself worthy also. This ninja is dressed in pure white. The ninja scales the mountain and falls at the exact same point that Electra fell. But this ninja reaches out and grabs hold again and climbs to the top. Standing triumphantly on the top of the mountain this ninja pulls back the hood of their suit to let us see that it is truly none other than Electra. She has purged her life of the demons that haunted her and her soul is pure again as she was as a child. That is my dream to someday conquer my "mountain".) "And I saw my reflection in the snow covered hills" (I often sit alone and simply bask in my own thoughts. They never stray far from my boylove. It has encompassed my life since I was in the sixth grade. It controls every decision I have ever made in my life. When I look inside to see who I truly am I dont think that I could live any other way.) "Till the landslide brought me down" (This is simply about my constant struggle with suicide. I know as a Christian that my boylove is a sin. But I truly dont think I could live without it. Do I trust God to know that if I gave it up to Him that He would have something truly more wonderful than I could believe for me. Yes. Am I able at this point in my life to do that. I dont know. Would it be easier to simply give in to my despair and end my life so as not to ever hurt a boy I truly care deeply about? Probably. But, I truly believe that there is a demon of boylove in me. If I were to die that demon would be set free to wreak havok on another maybe less vulnerable soul than mine and that person would not be able to contain the demon and would do the things I only dream about but contain.) "Oh mirror in the sky what is love?" (The mirror in the sky is God. And, what truly is "love"? Is love something God created for just man and wife? Or does it go further. If it exists it must have come from God because God is the only creator. So, why would he create such a love?) "Can the child within my heart rise above?" (This is pretty self explanitory. Especially for a boylover. Can the love that I have for boys ever "rise above" to the normal age that I believe God would want me to love in a woman?) "Can I sail through the changing ocean tides?" (Again, suicide. Can I handle the changes in my life as I get older? As a young teen I knew that I loved boys but I always felt I would grow out of it and come to love women. But it never happened.) "Can I handle the seasons of my life?" (Same thoughts go together for this line. As the seasons of my life change I look back and think of decisions I could have made differently if it were not for my boylove controlling me. I could have finished college. I could have saved an incredible amount of money if not spent on boys. I could be something other than who I am right now. But, then I wouldnt have a history of loving and caring for boys and the relationships I have now that I cherish.) "Well, I've been afraid of changing because Ive built my life around you" (I am so afraid of changing my life and giving it to God in this area because I dont know how I could live without the boys in my life. They make me laugh, they make me cry, they breath life and love into my soul and make me want to get up in the morning. Why would I change such a wonderful thing?) "But time makes you bolder even children get older" (As time goes by I dont know if I get bolder with my love for the boys and put more energy and time into it. Or, if I am getting bolder toward giving it up to my God. It comes and goes in both directions. Dont get me wrong, I have constantly given this up to God in my prayers but nothing has ever changed. My life with the boys impacts them very positively I believe. If I can contain demons then the outcome is very great and outweighs inward negativity) "And Im getting older too" (I am getting older myself. Time has a way of slipping by. The boys that I started working with are now married themselves, or are in college or have jobs. I would like to someday soon have a family of my own. Is that in Gods plan for me? Or are the boys He has given to me to nurture and have a relationship my family? Again, I dont know.) "Ahh, take my love, take it down. Ahh climb a mountain and turn around. And if you see my reflection in the snow covered hills. Well, the landslide brought it down." Thus ends my song. It can bring tears to my eyes. It is me encarnate. Ihope you liked it. I will try to share the other songs that have empacted my life over the years as time goes on. I notice there is a Ford Prefect on the board. I wouldnt be me if I did not add to my first post: "42" Dont Panic! God Bless |
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