Do What You Have To Do...
Submitted by Pendragon on July 05 2000 20:40:43
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Hello again. Today is July 5th and it sends me spiraling into deep depression every year. I was 13 and it was the 4th of July. I can remember it like it was yesterday. I was up at my uncle and aunts house for the holiday and I had walked out onto their balcony. Everyone else was inside. My uncle and aunt live up in the mountains and it is beautiful. The nite was crystal clear and you could see straight into the heavens. I was thinking about how excited I was for it to be my birthday the very next day. As a child birthdays were very big in our family. We could do whatever we wanted and mom made us whatever we asked for a birthday dinner. We could sleep in as long as we wanted, we didnt have to do any chores, and to make it better my birthday was in the summer so... no school. What child wouldnt be excited. It was the last time I would ever be excited about my birthday again. I am adopted. I was adopted at 3 months old by my parents who are Christians. As I sat their on the balcony excited for my birthday to come it hit me for the first time in my life. If this day was so important to me... it MUST be a memorable day in the life of my blood mother. My thoughts turned to her that nite and what she must have gone through. I think the normal thoughts ran through my head. Why did she give me up.. did she not love me.. did I have any brothers or sisters? It occurred to me that if I was thinking of her at that moment in time that she MUST be thinking of me. Where was I in the world she left me to, what was I doing, what kind of boy was I. I became very upset and began to cry uncontrollable. It was the first of my falls into depression for my birthday. My mother saw me outside and came out. Obviously noticing that I was very upset she comforted me and asked what was wrong but I never told her. I felt she would be upset if she knew I was thinking of my birthmother and so upset by it. As I became more interested in my past my mom gave me a piece of paper from the county of adoptions. It had my birth information on it and a small piece of paper from the hospital about my mother. It says: She is a teacher with brown hair and glasses. Loves to work with children. Likes classical music. Wishes her child to be placed in a christian home with the possibility of college if the child is able. On the other side it says: Father: caucasion. Inspecting my past further I found out that my mother was raped. Her family made her carry me to term but would not let her keep me. My grandmother (her mother) flew out for the birth. I do not know how God has miraculously made each one of us. But I can not help deny that I am a combination of the kind of love my mother has for children to motivate her to be a teacher and love to work with kids and the hatred of my father that would drive a man to rape a woman. When you combine the two you will see a tear fall that is the despair of my life. This song I share with you now is my "birthright" song. I can see it from the perspective of myself as a boylover and from the perspective of my mother when she thinks of me on my birthday. "What ravages of spirit conjured this tempturous rage?" Created you a monster broken by the rule of love. And fate has lead you through it. You do what you have to do. And fate has lead you through it. You do what you have to do. But I have the sense, to recognize, that I dont know how to let you go. Every moment marked with appartions of your soul. Im ever swiftly moving trying to escape this desire. The yearning to be near you. I do what I have to do. But I have the sense, to recognize, that I dont know how to let you go. I dont know how to let you go. Glowing embers, burning hot, and burning slow. Deep within Im shaken by the violence of existence for only you. I know I cant be with you, I do what I have to do. And I have the sense, to recognize, but I dont know how to let you go. I dont know how to let you go." -Sarah McLaughlin Peace be with you Because it is not with me Pendragon |
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