Hello Nash,

Welcome to CBF. Thankyou for blessing us with your testimony and thoughts. I can very well relate to your story and struggles. I am around children constantly, day in and day out; it is my career. I enjoy what I do and I would not change a thing because I am doing it for God. That is what keeps me accountable in regards to my orientation. There is a sense of responsibility in thinking along these lines.

In regard to your questions, no, it is not wrong to love a boy. Jesus loved boys, and girls, and men, and women. He was a people lover and he loved them unconditionally, people didn't have to prove themselves to earn his love. That is, in part, why salvation is earned through belief and not our actions.

If you decide to persue a relationship, ask yourself if there are any "conditions" to your love for a child; do they have to do anyhing to earn your friendship. I always ask myself this with every child I meet and if my answer is no, I am acting with unconditional love, like Christ would have. If my answer is yes, I am better off not persuing a relationship and praying for the unconditional love Christ gave his life for.

Also, alcohol CAN be a deterrant to unconditional love. The effects alcohol has on you are out of your control, like your initial feelings about a boy. This is not what we are held accountable for in the eyes of God. How we react to it is. It is difficult to say no to alcohol once you are "hooked" that plus trying to control your sexual urges must be overwhelmingly difficult. I would also add, that part of the depression you feel in regards to your orientation may be part of the withdrawl symptoms, if you are in the process of "recovering." I say this with some degree of experience. It was too much for me to recover from alcohol abuse and put myself in a position where I might be tempted by sexual desires; I had to deal with one issue at a time. Being free of alcohol has given me a clear head to confront other issues, boylove being one of them.

I didn't have to go through a rehab program; I was part of a strong church with a strong youth program-- I was in highschool when I abused alcohol. I spoke with others my age and older who had some of the same problems I did. God's love was stronger than my habit and I'm counting nearly seven years that I haven't even had a desire to abuse alcohol again. You are headed in the right direction by being a part of a church, hearing and learning about the Good News. I can see you in a wonderful ministry, helping boys who also suffer from sustance abuse; who have no where else to go and who need your friendship and believe me, there are plenty of them out there and there will always be. Let God work at your heart first, though. Persue accountability; talk with people who have shared your struggles, and let yourself be ministered to before you minister to others; don't be in too big a hurry.

Next, do not be ashamed of your feelings toward boys. Use them for God and He won't let you fall; abuse them and the consequences are sinful. If I see a cute boy, I cannot help but notice God's beautiful creation; He made us that way, on purpose, not doing a halfway job. I would say that not noticing and ignoring beauty when you see it is what is not "normal" These thoughts are one of awe, not lust. Lust, I believe, comes in the aftermath, lustful thoughts would be more like picturing yourself in sexual context with the person you are "admiring". When that happens to me in church, I either pray, focus more on the preacher, or don't put myself in the position where I might be tempted.

Well, that's about all I've been inspired to write at this point. I guess I went a little bit longer than I intended to but felt compelled to share. I greatly honor your desire for a better life; you seem very sinscere and are headed in the right direction, just pray about it and so will I. God bless you on your quest and may you find support here and in Him.

Love,
Oliver