I can see the pain in your posts, and I can't claim to be able to make you feel better. But something has jumped out at me in some of your posts that I feel I must warn you about.

he won't let me have sex, something I feel would make me happy

The key word here is "I".

YOU feel it would make you happy. If I had a dollar for every time I did something that "I" thought would make me happy only to find out I was woefully mistaken, I wouldn't have to work another day in my life. Believe me. Take it from someone who has made the wrong choice too many times and learned the hard way that going against God's will won't make you happy. Ever. Sometimes you learn right away you made the wrong choice. Sometimes you ARE happy for a short period of time only to discover later the terrible price you end up paying for that short lived happiness. And I'm not saying that God will zap you for going against His will. I'm saying that He guides you to do or not do some things because that is what is best for you, not so He can watch you dance to His tune. Think of it as a parent who doesn't let their child get near the stove because they know it can burn the kid.

Now the warning. If you keep trying to do your own thing even when you know it's not what God wants for you, He will eventually let you do it. Right now He seems to be protecting you from doing some things you would later regret. But you DO still have free will. God will never give up on you or desert you. But I know from painful experiences that He WILL eventually let you do whatever you want to do. I pray you never get to that point. I have gone my own way more times than I care to admit, even when I knew God didn't want that for me. It has NEVER gone well. He has tried and tried to keep me from doing something only to have me fight Him every step of the way till He finally stops intervening and lets me go my own way. And I have suffered the consequences. God didn't zap me for my disobedience. He simply let things run their natural course, which always was not what I had expected. But He knew. That's why He tried so hard to keep me from following that path. And keep in mind that even though you can always repent and ask forgiveness, and God is faithful in taking you back and forgiving you, it's not like a get out of jail free card. You still must live with the consequences. Your relationship with God can be instantly restored. He can and does forgive and even forgets your disobedience because He chooses to do so. But He can't change history. He can't make it like it never happened. The things you do today can affect you for years, or even for the rest of your life. So if God is intervening in your life to keep you from a certain path, I wouldn't fight too hard against Him, if I were you. This comes from someone who HAS fought against Him and lived to regret it. Instead of fighting, you should thank Him for caring so much about you that He's taking a direct hand in your life. That's something truly worthy of praise.

Dakota