Just note, that in this post, I'm not blaming God for 'making' things happen, all I mean, is what in a previous post:

((http://cblf.org/messages/56481.htm))

"I'm not gonna lie, I've been trying to be naughty, I've tried to arrange sexual activity for months now, and it always fails. Okay, so SOMEONE doesn't want me to have sex anymore. THEN WHY, could it happen when I was ten, eleven?? TWELVE?? Why was it okay then??"

The fact that God intervened then.

The fact is, It just doesn't seem to be in my best interests, for God to work so out of my comprehension, that I feel hopeless. I mean, we can sit around all day and say "well, he does have a plan, you just don't know it yet" how is that supposed to inspire hope, not just in me, in anyone?

Okay, accepting the fact, that ONE DAY, I MIGHT know what God has planned.
Back to the previous post, he won't let me have sex, something I feel would make me happy, or heck, even the ILLUSION of being happy would work now, and I mean it, there is no way things go this wrong without some 'supernatural intervention'. But I can have my porn. He hasn't blown up my laptop yet ( I don't look at it on my desktop, I need it for WoW) or made it get a virus, and in the end, im still miserable.

You know, I've been talking to my crush, and He's starting to open up a bit for me, but it seems hopeless because I'm sure God's waiting around the corner with a gun waiting to shoot our romance.
I just want to wake up knowing that there is a point, to me, to this, and I want to know what that point is. So I can go to work, and work well.

I'm going to attempt at a metaphor, I don't think many will get it but here goes, but don't try to make it something it's not just go with it.

I'm like a jedi.
A good upstanding person, who believes in the light.
I've done some things that are from the dark side of the force.
But no matter what, the light side is always there to redeem me.
Then one day, I gain this ability to shoot lighting from my fingertips, and then I learn, it's of the dark side of the force.
So soon I'm ear-deep in the dark-side I can't feel the light for anything.
Then I loose my link to the force, and i loose all my power.
Now I just need to find it again, so i can pick up my light-saber, and my light side powers, and begin fighting evil again.



Hope that made sense to someone.