I appreciate the response along with the others who have commented in similar ways, but you guys made me realize that I do have it worse than you guys and I was surprised to hear that you guys cope a lot better than me.

I just kinda expected anyone in our position who looks around them and sees the entire world freely loving and openly chasing after a partner,forming relationships, committing to a lifetime of company...and we have all these restrictions and we try to find happiness elsewhere and to be honest I'm not satisfied with it and I cant figure out how to cope with it.

It feels like every house or apartment I see represents the success of another human who was able to find someone to love and create a home together and just another indication to me that I'm missing out on the life that I wanted. I hate being alone, I don't want a YF or whatever temporary bone gets thrown at me by life, I want the works...I want the freedom to find someone I can love who is also attracted to me who I can spend an entire lifetime together with and share life with them openly without being judged or criticized by anyone. I just want a normal life but I know I can never have it and I feel like God intentionally denied me love and I don't mean loving Jesus or a YF or a pet, I mean the type of love that heterosexual and homosexual people are openly enjoying. Its not fair and I hate being such a hopeless romantic and feeling such intense feelings of love but not being allowed to take part in it like the rest of the world. It hurts like hell inside and I hate every second of my life that passes in this hell hole.