Sorry for the cliffhanger but I was getting very emotionally agitated during that post, if I let it all out in one go it would have been ugly.

Well, after I realized what he really meant to me I was on the clouds for about a month, just riding on feeling awesome and taking him in deliciously. When I finally came down I started trying to decipher the whole thing, and never succeeded. He was very enigmatic. Sometimes I was sure that he really loved me, and other times I wondered if he was just toying with me. He was a person you could get very deep in conversation with about anything but himself, so it was tough going in that respect. Not that I was suffering or anything. I loved every minute we spent together, but sometimes he'd give me a painfully mischievous look, as if to say "you know that I know that you know, and I'm gonna keep pretending that I DON'T know". Who knows!? Maybe he was scared. I mentioned before that he grew up in a fairly homophobic environment, and his older brother (13yo) would have probably given him hell at the slightest indication of a 'feeling' like that. About his brother: HE was probably scared for himself too, being the super-girl-magnet everyone knew him as, but we developed a 'private' relationship (I seemed to be the neighborhood confessor) and he would break down periodically in our conversations about his troubles and suicidal thoughts etc, and he was very playfully sexual around me: he exposed himself many times, and was always doing little things like pulling my leg hair and mock-humping my appendages, and giving me hugs with a pained look in his face I'll never forget. But he's another story, lest we diverge.
So the friendship with my CB went on for about two and a half years more, until I moved away. During that time I had a ball, though. I felt so privileged to be allowed access into his world; even his parents eventually started accepting me, finally letting him spend the night over at my house (that's another chapter, but no wrongdoings were executed), me spending entire afternoons playing videogames in his room; going to his Little League games, and things like that. Him, showing me his sublime bum every other day, and me having to chide him every single time it happened purely out of responsibility (Did I enjoy it? Did I?).

I'm pretty sure he loved me. Just not as with the consuming yearning I had for him. I was probably more of a father figure/older brother in his eyes, but I'm damn proud of that. Only if I could have ONE wish I would like to know what went on in his head during those years.

Still, if I wasn't earth-shaking for him (and technically, there's a possibility that I was [see, this is where it starts to become unravelled, in the infinite possibility]), he did change me forever. I've always felt that God arranged the whole thing so it couldn't happen any other way (not counting our own obvious wrong human choices, that inevitably WILL happen).

So there. Wow. I was reading a magazine article this morning about how "We consider speech to be the result of thought (we have a thought, then select a sentence with which to express it), but thought also results from speech (as we grope, in words, towards meaning, we discover what we think)." And it's totally true. Who would've imagined I could find out what I think by trying to say it? (not me, for one hehe).

After I moved away (another long story) we pretty much lost contact, only visiting every few months, then a lot of months, then a year, another year, but I always wanted to be with him. I made him the most important thing in my life and paid the price for it. I had to 'relearn' to live without him (my, that was hard). I guess that's the one thing I really regret. But I'm slowly getting better at it (small thanks to Adam Rippon hehe).
I suppose he dealt with it his own way. I remember when I told him I was leaving he made a face I'd never seen him do before, and after that he started spending more time with his school friends, sports, and activities; and less with me. I took it pretty hard, but understood.

And whadda ya know! In a couple weeks I'll be moving back within earshot (well, maybe car-shot) of him! It'll never be the same, I know, but at least I'll drop in once in a while and see him. And catch up...


"alrite that was the feel-good post for the day! Personally I think 'what a wimp', but you may have other opinions...feel free to call in to The KKKT Morning Show, 'where the sun don't shine unless we say so'...
...and now a word from our sponsors" (fades into commercial)
"and we're back, thanks for sticking around. Pam let's go to phone calls..."
"(in a slutty voice) alright. Meeeow! We have Ash on line 2"
"hiall!! Welcome to the KKKT Morning Show"
"Hi, this is Ash from Porterstown. Man, you guys suck! You call that a feel-good post, man? You should be ashamed of yourselves, advertising perverts like that...he should..."
"Now, wait just a minute, bud, we ain't advertizin nuthin'. We're just tryin ta get the lines of communication open between both sides. now, you know how them people are fightin' left and right to prove their point. we're just in the middle, trying to hear both sides fairly."
"whatever, man, you're just a homo-lovin, truth-bendin, perverted bunch of folks, and if you think I'm just gonna sit here and let you all..."(fades)
"whew, that one was hot as hell, he was. Hun, who do we have on next?"
"we have Jamie, from Goose Lake on line 1 (purrs)"
"Hi. Am I on?"
"You sure are"
"oh, O.K. Hi. I just wanted to say I admire the person who wrote that. that was very courageous to open up like that. Um, I think it was beautiful, even if the nature of what he's talking about seems questionable to us bible-believin' kind. you know? but if he really feels like that maybe we ought to start listening to them, instead of throwing em in jail, you know? I just think there may be somethin to it, um, I dunno..."
"yeah, hun, but look, mama, if we're gonna believe in what we believe in we can't let these people run around turnin our precious baby boys into maniacal-sexual bastards. I mean, didn' you see the other day on the news, that fella they caught red-handed in the park? Is that what you want? I-don't-think-so-no-siree-nuhuh-no-dang-way..."
"yeah, but I'm sure they're not ALL like that..."
"yeah, I'm sure they ain't, sure...they better just not stand in front of me or I'll show em what it's like...Oph, sorry folks, gotta go on commercial break. but we'll be back. This is KKKT, Where The Sun Don't Shine Unless We Say So."


Sorry about that. I just couldn't contain myself. But don't you ever feel like people are talking about 'our kind' like that sometimes? It's just so nerve-wracking. But anyway, I'm out now. Gotta listen to some soft music or something.