You have to decide which way you want to go in the future; there seem to be three options.

1) The gay route where you are actively seeking a gay relationship.

2) The BL route, where you are yearning after a boy in your life

3) The celibate route, where you are seeking to live a life where you don't see sex as a part of it for the foreseeable future.

The tone of what you writes suggests that 3 is off the agenda; to be focusing on what you had in the way you seem to be is inconsistent with living a celibate life in the long term. But it is important that you realise that you are in danger of drifting into the BL route because you are focusing on what you had with a young boy; not recommended!