I went to see Scotty yesterday, only for an hour or so as he had somewhere to be. And he told me a story about his other friend logging onto his facebook account and putting "I'm engaged!" as his status. First of all, that was just cruel. And I thought it was more mean then cruel. Secondly I was like "that was dumb for all those people who believed it, you'd think they'd know that's YEARS away".

And he looked to me and said "Well, I ship off next year (another military boy) so it's probably gonna be around then."

Instantly, I froze up, and jealousy over ran my brain as we waved good-bye to each other. The thought of him wanting to get engaged, and end the end, get married to her - was like a big stick poking me in the balls. It hurt. It kept me from sleeping last night.

It's still just like I described it a while back. Scotty and I BOTH made a decision when we where young to do something most people assume is wrong, a bad choice. Yet, I'm the only one being punished. And punished isn't even the word for it.

Torture.

I'm sure he'd want me to be his best man at his wedding, but I don't know how to manage these feelings. I don't know if I can handle it. I don't know if I even want to remember anything from this life at all. It's like, whatever I want, God does WHATEVER it takes to make sure I don't get it.
I want to be happy and my friend to be happy too.
So he makes up this grand story and in the end, my friend's happiness causes me pain.

Staying here would more then inevitably screw something up.

I thought for a while there, he would show some signs of feeling the same way I do. But he didn't.

I'm even more alone now then ever before. Which is why I don't accept the bad from God because I'm sick of it. I'm sick of bad. I'm sick of pain. And so it looks like bailing on my current life is the only way out of it. God is to busy giving people normal lives and making sure the rich don't go through financial turbulance, or whatever.

It seems I HAVE to take everything into my own hands, and growing up, they'd say 'put it in God's hands.' Everything I ever learned turns out to be some farce or 'half-way' true.

I know who God is, and what he has done. And that my place in heaven is reserved simply because of that. But I'm not sure why God want's to be with people who squirm like little ants being burned by magnified glass.