I just thought I'd cheer you up with something that happened to me recently. Many years ago in the 80's I made friends with a pair of brothers (abroad) who lived on the same estate. They lived with their mum. dad had disappeared off the scene and was hated by all three of them (I think mum had taught them this). I met them accidentally whilst visiting their neighbours who happened to be old friends of mine. The younger boy was playing with their son and I fell in love with him almost instantly and the next day there was a knock on the door and there they stood.
Our friendship got quite intense over the next few months. It was a difficult time for me in lots of ways and that summer I decided to return to the UK at the end of the year which I duly did and found myself totally unexpectedly trying my vocation at a monastery within months.
When I left the monastery I headed back abroad during a break from my new job to sort out the sale of the flat I still owned there and even as I arrived in a taxi one of the boys recognised me and was waiting on my doorstep. Everything had changed though: especially me and they soon realised that I was no longer the fun-loving easy-going guy that I had been. I was stroppy, impatient and at the time deeply unhappy. The following day I met them at the bus stop and the older boy made no bones about telling me this (which I knew of course) and that they wouldnt be visiting anymore. This I wasnt surprised about and had half-expected. It was even a relief. I just couldnt be the guy I had been.
I occasionally saw them during the months it took to decorate and sell my flat but it was only to say hallo and there was always palpable tension and some pain on both sides I think.
I often worried about how this relationship ended and wondered first what it meant and why it had happened and whether I could have done things better.
cut to the present.
I've been ill for some months now and whilst organising my facebook account I made contact with loads of people I had worked with abroad. One evening a couple of months back I had an email from the older of the two boys asking to add me as friend and the next time I was 'on' he popped up for a chat and it was astonishing and very humbling to see how much it had all meant to him all those years ago. He now has a family of four and his younger brother is also thriving.
He seems to have no recollection of how our relationship ended so suddenly and talked only about the good times.
I just thought I'd mention this because its easy to underestimate the power that springs from loving relationships with young people even in the short term. For me now I found it very difficult to go back into this relationship but thats another story. I'm inclined to think that there is always going to be a fatal flaw in our relationships with boys because what they need and what we need are not the same and it must always always be their needs which come first. this can be very difficult indeed.