You have given me much to think about. Actually I have been attempting to live a successful (I'm not sure if "successful" is the right word but it's all I can think of right now...) celibate life but the thing is that I keep thinking that instead of choosing to be celibate, I have been doing it out of a sense of duty. Since I can't have an intimate relationship with a young boy, and since I can't have one with an adult, because of my circumstances, I might as well opt for celibacy. But that kind of thinking does not help me have a very good relationship with God at all, even though I try. I don't know, it almost seems like I have been living in some kind of Twilight Zone episode for ten years and I'm getting sick of it. I want to have a close relationship with God, and in some ways I believe we are close, but I still feel like I have been shoved into a way of life that is sad and wrong and I'm starting to get sick of it.

Sorry I off-loaded on you, I really like what you wrote.