I wish I could say something or suggest something that could make your life everything you want it to be, but I can't. When anyone's happiness depends entirely on any other person, they are bound to get hurt and disappointed at some time. The flowery and pompous "Christian" suggestion would be to depend on God for your happiness and everything will be perfect. Roses will bloom in the desert, dogs and cats will get along, and Arabs and Israelis will embrace in brotherly love. But while in theory depending on God for your happiness is Biblical and true, I've never known of anyone who could do that totally. Even the men in the Bible struggled from time to time. So while looking to God is always a good idea, I think you still will need some practical advise for when God isn't enough. God even recognized that we needed more than just Him, which is why he made Eve for Adam. But unfortunately there is no Eve (or Steve) for us boylovers, so we need to learn how to deal with that without going crazy or succuming to depression. From reading your posts, I really think you should start seeing a psychiatrist. I've seen one myself for awhile, and I see no shame in it. I suggest a psychiatrist rather than a psychologist or other councelor because a psychiatrist can prescribe medication, and I really think you may need anti-depressants. If you can't afford one, there are agencies and churches that can help with the cost. I don't think you'll ever have the relationship(s) you crave for very long. And while we all here will try to encourage and support you the best we can, there is only so much you can get from an anonymous message board. Life may never be perfect, but it doesn't have to be a cold, dark, isolated place.

Dakota