What you say is true Dakota, if I lower my expectations I might be happier and face less heart ache and if I stop spoiling my YF then it might change the dynamics of our relationship but at the same time he may stop hanging out with me as often if he starts getting bored...

I have experienced both sides of the fence where I have been alone for many years just feeling the absence of companionship, hurting inside, days just drag on, it feels like there is nothing worth living for, when I'm like that I just find myself wishing I had someone to enjoy life with, and now I seem to have that, I am happy, life feels so much better and worth living, exactly as I would have imagined it being with someone you care about. But why does any of that have to change? why cant everything just continue the way it is ? I only have my YF for a few years before he grows up and who knows after that I may never have another YF again, why cant I just have a happy few years hanging out and being best friends without doing anything to alter the the dynamics of our friendship.

I hate change especially when its for the worse, everything in my life seems to change for the worse and and most of it is inevitable, but why does friendship have to change, it is such a complex and difficult thing to maintain? Especially when I put so much effort into being an easy person to get along with, I just don't understand why hanging out everyday with the person you care about has to be ruined by either the other person or other circumstances.

These boys have seemed really happy at the start telling me how much fun they have with me, telling me I'm their best friend and asking to hang out with me everyday but as time passes that changes and I don't understand why it has to. Why do people have to make life so complicated, when you find a good thing why cant it just continue the way it is?

My new YF is already saying things like "if we continue to hangout everyday like this we might start getting bored eventually" I then repplied "umm yea sure buddy if you need some time by yourself we can do that" but inside my head Im thinking, "ouch! why cant we just hang out everyday". He has fun and I have fun, is having fun such an indulgence that it must be restricted? such simple things in life are overcomplicated by people but it doesn't have to be.

But I guess this is where being a BL comes in, he sees me just as a best friend to hang out and he can take time off from me as long as he needs to but for me I just don't seem to be getting bored of him and I can't get enough of him, I love him deeply and NO I'm not obsessed by him but I am the happiest when I am with him and I just want that to go on and on, it makes me feel alive, I am scared to return back to that cold, isolated, dark place. I spent many years just hurting and in pain, and now I am happier then I have ever been hanging out with him everyday. I don't want that to change.

In regards to your comment about staying "far away from any undue temptation" I wanted to say it would be foolish for me to act inappropriately with him for a moments pleasure which would most likely jeopardize our friendship or create and awkwardness even yet I might lose him because of it, so why would I risk choosing that when I could continue to enjoy his presence without over complicating our friendship with temptation and adding risks to it. Sure life would have been much more amazing if I had my YF in another existence where such intimacy wasn't socially, legally, morally, religiously wrong but obviously we cant have everything in life. So for now I am more then content and happy to have him in my life without any intimate contact, anything is still
far better then being alone.

PS> I wont have internet for a while so this is my last comment but I look forward to reading your comments when I get back online, thanks all for your wisdom.