Being a BL can envoke many kinds of emotions, a no brainer, right?
Roller-coasting ups and downs, depressions, happiness; things of that nature. I'm not a psychologist (yet) and I by no means am trying to 'diagnose' myself, or my problems, but merely make an observation. I find it hard to explore the painful parts of my.. "BLism" if you will.

Side note, my AoA is 12, and reaches all the way to adulthood.

Whenever I hear about a boy..involved in anything, I'm suddenly interested. Someone broke a world record? Whoopie, when a 13 year old boy breaks a world record, that's something I remember. It's almost like an obsession, but it doesn't JUST exsist in my AoA either. I have several younger cousins, like from 4-8 years old, my two younger boy cousins are just so interesting, beautiful and downright adorable. Their sister (who is 5) plain and simple grosses me out and bores me to death. I can't really explain it, it's like I have no natural ability to cope with the female sex.

I do, by the luck of the dice, have a single female friend, who is totally aware of my sexuality in all it's aspects, I detect it has something to do with her courting a good friend of mine - who's 10 years older then her, and several years older than me as well. She was dating him well before she was 'legal' but that doesn't mean sex was included.

Anyway, i'll see a news story about the 13 year old boy who broke a world record, i'll watch the video on youtube, and I'll also sigh. That kid is enjoying his childhood, I spent mine chipping away at my self esteem inside other boys' pants. I of course, always wonder if the kid is gay or not, thinking about how wonderful it would be if he was.

On to the more painful area, I can't stand finding out an adorable boy has a girlfriend, or is strait. It just makes me feel empty, and that's not a very good feeling anymore. Watching boys play baseball as I drive by the field, just wanting to be involved in their lives, but I'm not - and it's for the better. What is a good BL if what I seek is a boy as miserable as I am? I don't want to see a happy, strait boy - that's just not what I want. Of course, a gay 12 year old boy is what we all dream about one way or another.

I guess in a nuttshell, seeing a happy boy reminds me of what I wasn't, and it drives me nuts. It's selfish, and stupid - but generally true. I'm lucky enough to have a boy in my life, he's not 12 anymore, but he is gay, and I'm finding out it's paradise when he's around, and hell when he's not. Even stranger, his aging doesn't bother me, because while I'm losing him as a gay boy, I'm gainging a gay adult who was a gay boy. Odd and confusing I know.

I read this story back in 2009 about the "AMAZING" 13 year old boy father. The news called it AMAZING. Who in the fuck thinks a boy throwing his life away is amazing? That story, reading it is mentally the most painful expierence I've ever endured. The kid literally looks like a nine year old, he was a CHILD, and he threw it all away. He just couldn't resist the sex, and it's scary and dissapointing, the power of a vagina.

I just want to ask the kid "Was it worth it?"
Which is silly, because I already know the answer.

Thanks for reading.