Welcome aboard; you've reached a place where your experiences are common place, instead of totally weird. I relate to a lot of what you describe, though I don't have the slightest sexual interest in women, but do appreciate men up well into the legal age range. However as someone committed to the belief that gay relationships are inherently sinful, that doesn't provide a outlet for me.

But I mainly want to comment on the relationship you have with this 14yo. You seem to assume that he ISN'T really flirting with you. This MAY not be the case. Given that at 14 we are sexually aware, there's every reason to think that he may be sexually attracted to you. The question for you is how to deal with it.

You must have noticed on other posts on this board people refer to their 'YFs'. This is the term we tend to use for a boy who has become very special to us. Often these relationships are very good for both the boy and the BL AND CAN REMAIN NON-SEXUAL. On a good day the boy is not aware that we do have a sexual interest in them. Alternatively they may have an idea, but never actually do anything about the possibility. Have you had such a YF type relationship in the past? It's the most wonderful thing!

The danger of course arises at the point where the boy twigs there is the possibility of a sexual relationship, and goes all out for it. IT HAPPENS. Some of us will succumb to the temptation... This is NOT a good thing...

Modern child protection practice generally bans church youth group leaders from having one to one physical contact with their charges outside the church environment; this has the advantage of keeping us safe from such advances - but does limit the amount of good that we can achieve with the boy. Are you allowed to have contact outside the church? If you aren't, then you would be very wise to keep to those rules. If it's not frowned on, then establishing this boy as a YF may be the best thing you've ever done for both him and you, though HOW that would work in practice is increasingly messy these days of 'paedophile paranoia'.

More widely, I would strongly endorse Blackstone's other comments. DON'T admit to your attractions - even 'vanilla' gay - unless you are totally sure of the consequences. It's a very one way door these days; some people will freak. And being a BL who is a youth leader is a high risk, but high return position. You have the potential to do a LOT of good - and to mess things up horribly. But if you get it right, you will be a blessing to many over the years to come.

Finally, on the issue of 'self esteem'. As Christians we need to realise that we are the children of God. There is no higher status in the natural universe. God has chosen you to be with Him for eternity. He's given you gifts to make an eternal difference to many lives. Those are the truths that the bible offers, and learning to meditate on those truths offers a starting point to build appropriate self esteem. And compared with that, psychology tends to be thin gruel, though some of the techniques may be helpful to put those truths into action.

Hope there's some wisdom here. As this board offers a lot of experience of the issues - the ups and the downs - you can safely share what's happening in your life as long as it's legal, knowing that someone will have been there before.