I started a new thread since my previous one was getting a little long. Focusing on the positive aspects of anything is good for any situation, but is often very difficult. I have been able to focus on the positives for many parts of my life. I may have as big a house as I want, but I am happy to have a house. My car isn't the most luxurious, but I have a pretty nice car. There are many things that I have trained myself to accept, but this situation is different. My life hasn't been easy. I grew up very impoverished, often without enough food and no heat. I was raised by a single mother until I was shipped off to foster-care for a few years. The foster family was horrible to me. When I returned home I was still left to fend for myself mostly. I built my adult life to provide me with all the things I have never had as a child (i.e. food, heat, toys, etc.) The most important thing missing though is the feeling of being loved. When raised in a dysfunctional household, feeling loved is often absent. I have fixed everything else, the love aspect is the only thing missing.

I have never been in a relationship where I felt somebody truly loves me. The love of God is apparent in many aspects of my life, but that provides comfort on a different level. Now I find myself in love with a 14 year old boy, which in my mind is insane. I know better than to think a relationship could work, but my hope won't fade. No matter what I logic I use, I can't suppress my emotion. And even after telling him, he didn't get scared away. That was what I was expecting and somewhat hoping to have happen. If he wanted distance from me, maybe I could get over my feeling. But nothing has changed. Now I find myself unable to fall out of love with someone who may never return the feeling. As long as I love him, I can't love somebody else. I feel like I am meant to be alone, trapped in this friendship that prevents me from finding another love. The only thing I have left to check off my list is somebody who loves me, the one thing I can't do alone.

I try to shut off my brain, and stop thinking about life, but to no avail. I constantly battle with both sides of my feelings. I convince myself nothing will happen, while at the same time thinking there may be hope. How is it possible that he could know how I feel without being scared away? Is that a sign it could work (insert sarcasm)? I told him how I felt and he is just as affectionate and close as before, if not more now. I don't know what to think, and what's even worse, nobody cares. Everybody has their own problems, and in the eyes of society I am just a sick freak. I guess I am not the typical BL. I can't imagine have a YF for a while, and then moving to the next one once he leaves. I just don't know any more.