Has anybody done any research into BLs being pathological liars? I am starting to wonder if perhaps I am lying to myself and I don't actually feel the way I think I feel. Could I just be a pedophile and I have convinced myself that I actually care about boys and have their best interest in mind, when in reality I'm just looking to justify my deviant behavior? I haven't done anything illegal, but I couldn't say that if I thought there was a real relationship I wouldn't take advantage of the opportunity. It seems like I am saying there is a possibility a boy and a man could have a "special" relationship and it not be harmful. Have I just convinced myself that a newly pubescent boy could love anybody, and that I could be the object of that affection?

Without providing too much detail, let me explain my current situation. I know a boy, on the cusp of puberty. Having been a boy, I see the signs of puberty showing. He enjoys spending time with me playing video games and the like. He likes to sit very close to me and doesn't seem to mind physical (not sexual) contact. Our physical limits are dicey, bordering on inappropriate, but not illegal. I'm not entirely sure how he feels, since he is reluctant to talk about his emotions. As time has progressed, he appears to be getting more and more comfortable with me. Initially he didn't want to change his shirt in front of me, and recently he was fine standing in nothing but a towel in front of me. There seems to be a unique connection filled with romantic/sexual/intimate tension.

I use these examples to justify or convince (or deceive) myself there is something special between us. Often I question if I haven't simply gone crazy for having these feelings. Crazy people don't know they're crazy, so how can I be aware of my feelings and not have them be genuine? I am a firm believer there is no such thing as evil. Theodicy doesn't hold weight in my opinion, there is a reason for everything and it must be a part of God's plan, regardless of how evil it appears. Given this, am I defunct or is society? As it stands I feel as though it is God's calling for me to be in this boy's life, and to go with him wherever this relationship may lead. And this is where my initial question comes in. Have I created an elaborate lie for myself? Is there a higher power prompting me to be in this boy's life for a good purpose, or have I deceived myself to rebel against society and fill my own needs?