I realized that sex with any boy would be just as potentially harmful to him as it would me. The law aside, I just don't know how I would feel about it after. On these forums I read things like, "he may grow to regret it", and I wonder why that wouldn't go the other way around. Regardless of how the boy feels later in life, it would always make me wonder what could have been if the sex never happened. The legal consequences are mildly deterring, but I think more inter-generational sexual relationships occur than people will admit. Even it remained a secret, I would wonder.

The real problem is the sexual attraction. The pre-ejaculatory mindset is vastly different than the post. In the pre-ejaculatory mindset everything is erotic and stimulating, and the sex seems worth the risk. In the post, sex is a minor issue, the next orgasm is the farthest concern from your mind. Distancing myself from boys doesn't work. I spent roughly 3-4 years with not even as much being in the same room as a boy, and the attraction persisted. Now with a boy basically attracted to me, I wonder how to deal handle the situation. There is no doubt in my mind anything that happens would remain in confidence, but I know that I would feel very different about what happened the second the sexual encounter ended.

Crazy people don't know they're crazy, so maybe the fact I think things could work means I'm crazy. But then again, how could I know that if I am crazy? I know how I feel, and to quote Forrest Gump, "I'm not a smart man, but I know what love is". I know I love the boys I feel an attraction towards, and I know at the time it would be a fulfilling experience. But reflection has a funny way of distorting the past when new knowledge is acquired. Everything would probably be fine for a couple of years. He and I would be fine with our arrangement, but what about after he goes to college? I don't know if I could live with having made such an impact if he regretted it later. But the opposite is also possible. There are so many of you on this forum, and even more on boychat, how do you live with this? Since you aren't supposed to discuss anything that could lead to legal investigations, I can only assume that some are breaking the law.

Sorry for my ramble, I just need resolution, and it seems so very distant.