Hi all, I haven't posted on here in years, but I needed to talk to someone safe.

All in all, I'm growing a bit. Still, and probably always, a beautiful boy will turn my head, but it's gotten easier in some ways to cherish the development of a boy and accept that there isn't really a way for any boy to have an equal relationship. A part of me holds out hope for that mythical sylph though, that boy we all imagine who is totally mature in all the important ways and yet immature in all the other ways (delayed puberty, am I right?) who will come in and smash all the barriers and want all the things we want in the same, adult ways. But he's not real, statistically speaking. Sure, we know there have been some, but when it comes down to it the world is not built that way.

I've just finished watching the HBO show "Westworld", and it features a side character, little more than an extra with only the name "Little Boy" and serves only as a plot device. But he's played by one of the most beautiful boy actors I've ever seen, Oliver Bell (also a real feature role in "Salem", including a disturbing bath scene featuring Oliver's beauty above all...). Went looking for more pictures of him, as he's only gotten more beautiful as he's now 13, and fell down a clickhole the other night. Found myself on youtube after discovering a curious current fad in the Netherlands: the "habiba chalange". Some Dutch pop singer released a video in which he runs around in just his underwear (not sure why, most things about it are in Dutch and Google translate is so clunky...). It has inspired people of all ages, but especially boys between 10-14 to DO THE SAME, ON VIDEO; challenging themselves and each other like the ice bucket challenge, but for no cause but fun! Most boys only have the courage to run around the block, but a few have walked boldly around their neighborhoods, played soccer, walked to the mall or the store and bought snacks... but here's the kicker: most people around them, don't seem to notice. Like, at all.

I don't know if it's just a Dutch thing, but I watched way too many videos of this challenge and only *one* adult seemed surprised (she couldn't take her eyes of this 13y/o nearly naked boy), and nobody asked them to leave a store or anything. Like, is it just normal for boys to wander around like this? I know the Netherlands is one of the most body-positive places, and also pretty tolerant of BLs (they had a BL president once and their AoC used to be 12), but still... most of these boys were wearing boxer briefs with perfectly sexy packages jiggling in all the right ways in full view... I've seen speedos that were less revealing.

But now I'm conflicted again. Is this the best thing ever, or the worst? I mean, if this country really is as casual about boy bodies and physical autonomy, could they have reached a point (or reach in the future) where BL relationships are actually ok? Or are these boys merely opening themselves up to getting messed up? Everything I know about the psychology of this is headbutting itself, and I know a lot (this being my collegiate area of study, among others) of it. And, even if the Netherlands has become a BL's perfect world with magical full safety for potential healthy BL relationships and boys open to the idea... it's not the US, nor any of our countries of residence (well, I suppose some of you are Dutch... maybe you could tell us? Or maybe all the Dutch BLs are too happy and content in their ok-ness that they have never felt the need to seek this kind of support & community?). That probably-imaginary world is not available to me or any boys who might fall in love with me. So, then, am I just dangling this idea in front of me like a carrot on a stick: always there but impossible to reach? And then, what if my previousl mentioned perfect boy did come along, tantalized and educated by the same (perhaps literal, lol) carrot and we did strike up a sexual/romantic reltionship; what then? We can't have that freedom, and the possibility of it is so remote it makes the LGBTetc. equality fight look easy.

So... there it is. Not sore what to do with all that, but it is a real place where I am.

Blessings to you all in Christ,
~CSL