More thoughts...
Submitted by Jules on August 19 2000 09:01:28
In reply to why I told my pastor I'm a boylover submitted by ken on August 19 2000 02:20:20
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Hi Ken, I've just read your earlier post and some of the replies. Let me introduce myself. I'm in my 30s and relate to a lot of what you're saying. I haven't been here much lately, although I have in the past. It was really helpful to be able to come here at a time when I was really struggling. Glad to see you here, and glad you're able to be so open with people in your church. I'm sure the risk is worth it, so long as you keep using their support to avoid ever doing anything wrong. Thank God for a church like that, and especially your pastor. I know there are many that wouldn't do what he has. I'd recommend telling your pastor or your bl friend if you ever become especially attracted to one particular boy in the church. It's probably the hardest thing of all to be open about, but it keeps you accountable. I've been in two situations like that; once I told my pastor, and he helped diffuse things; once I didn't tell anyone and, looking back on what happened, I wish I had. I've learnt a lot about the emotional side of boylove recently -- as it is for me anyway. I used to go each year to help on a kids' camp, and it was the highlight of my year. All through the winter I would count the months left before the next camp. What I've realised since then is that being with boys was my main source of emotional fulfilment. It was the main thing that made me feel really part of human life and social interaction. I think it was because I wasn't getting any emotional fulfilment from people my own age, whether male or female. I just wasn't able to share deeply with other adults, and being with boys somehow made up for it. A bit of background: When I was a young teen I was sexually attracted to other boys, but I didn't have any close friendships, and so ever since then my emotional and sexual needs have been living in a teenage world. I'm not saying that lack of friends was the cause of my sexuality -- it might be the other way round -- my sexuality might have been already there and caused the lack of friendships. I really can't tell now, and in the end it doesn't matter. All that matters is for me to understand that at some time in my past my longing to be 'one of the boys' was not fulfilled, and I have to do my best to make up for it in other ways. I've recently been living in a community where I've learnt to relate to others my own age a lot more, and share deeply with them, and somehow it's had an impact on my boylove feelings. Not taken them away, but balanced them with feelings of attachment to friends. To the point where I can now miss summer camp, and not mind as much as I would have done before. For me, it's been about moving from being emotionally dependent on one type of person to being emotionally linked to many different types of person. It's been good for me to get to the point where I could give up all contact with boys if I had to. In fact this year I shared with a senior member of the camp staff about being a boylover and he asked me not to come any more. (He was totally non-judgmental, and has kept in touch with me, but I understand why it was best for the camp.) In the past I would have been deeply disappointed to have lost such an opportunity, but now I don't mind nearly so much. It matters more to me that I can still keep in touch with him and other members of the camp staff. F.O.D. said your counsellor shouldn't ask about what you get out of being with boys, just what they get out of it. But I think your counsellor is right. Even though working with boys is a ministry for the Lord, it isn't good for your emotional well-being if you can't survive without it. I think that's true of any minstry. I can think of pastors who are driven so much by a need to counsel others that they drive themselves into the ground visiting all hours and never having time off. It's not good for any ministry to be driven by our own emotional needs. One final thought, and it might not be relevant for you at the moment, so forgive me if it's not, but in my case, learning to relate better to men and women of my own age has opened up a sexual attraction to women that I hadn't known before. It's happened just in the last two years, and it's been a complete surprise. Don't get me wrong. I'm not taking the line that says homosexual attraction must be cured and changed into heterosexual attraction. It's not as simple as that. I'm just saying that for some boylovers, they might actually have hidden away an attraction to women as well, and it could come to the surface in the right social environment. I don't think I'll ever stop being a boylover. Boys still have a unique energy and attraction. But by discovering a previously suppressed love of women I think I've become a more rounded person. I've discovered more of myself. But I accept that's not where everyone on this board is at. I could talk about why I think my love for women was suppressed, but I'll leave that for another time. Well, that was more than I was planning to write! But I hope there's something in all of it that you can relate to. Great to talk with you, and hope you keep visiting here. Never forget how blessed you are. With Christian love, Jules |
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