First Post (Part 1) -- looking for a cure (LONG)
Submitted by FeelingDirty on August 28 2000 06:32:45
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If the format comes out strange (weird indents, tabs, and returns) it's because I transferred this from my word processor. Forgive me for the length, but I know this will benefit someone who reads it: I've spent at least an hour going through various posts in this forum -- mostly those dealing with being a Christian and struggling with being a "boylover." I'm looking for someone to identify with, and I do identify with A LOT of the struggles and issues mentioned here. For the purpose of getting some feedback to help understand my situation better, I feel the need to share this part of my life with you. I fear that the following words may come back to haunt me because of the many insensitive people/Christians that don't understand what it is to be a "boylover" -- so excuse me if I'm vague about certain areas in my writing. First off, I've seen my "feelings" described in many different ways by other people here. I didn't even know that there was a word for it until recently, and I'm not sure that I'm comfortable with being called a "boylover." I've seen various arguments about what the word means. If I'm to be classified as one, it will be for the reasons which will be made clear in this message. While reading the other posts here, I thought it strange that boylovers even have their own jargon -- words that show that there's a lot of things that boylovers find in common with each other. AOA = age of attraction (i.e. the age of those you are mainly attracted to) and YF = young friend? (I'm assuming YF = young friend. I have yet to see it spelled out). There's probably even a Boylover FAQ. If there is, let me know where it's at so I can read it. I found this forum today by going into a search engine and typing "pedophile Christian." I've been looking for help for a long time. Being a "boylover" (pedophile) is not something one can easily bring up in a conversation -- not even among other Christians. In fact, the search engine listed dozens of sites that expressed hate and unforgiveness toward boylovers. I only found two sites that sought to help pedophiles. The reason I'm seeking help, is because there is an aspect to these boyloving feelings that is not healthy -- and I don't see how it can ever be seen as healthy. There are often feelings of sexual arousal that come with being a boylover. Some of us may want to deny that a sexual attraction exists or begins to grow, but I've found it often to be the case in my relationships with certain boys. My normal relationships with children doesn't cause these feelings, but every once in awhile I come across a boy that has a lot of personality, is very smart, and good-looking. The feelings inside become a kind of "love-at-first-sight" experience. This feeling of love seems to be mixed with a selfish desire to make this kid part of my life -- an obsession. I start to get feelings of wanting to show my love toward this boy, of wanting to do almost anything to make him happy. And this love obsession stirs up sexual feelings within me. It's not that I picture or even desire to have sex with a child, but the sexual feelings seem to be attached to my wanting to get close to the boy and wanting to get to know more about him. All throughout my post-puberty life I've had to struggle with these feelings that society has deemed as abnormal. And because it's seen as "abnormal" I've had very little chance to discuss these things with others. In fact, during most of my life I thought I was the only person who struggled with these feelings. I've only been able to discuss parts of these feelings with a couple Christian friends. One friend shared with me his attraction to children, mainly little girls. I told him about my own attraction. We haven't talked about these things since, probably because it's embarrassing to admit. He probably thinks I don't have these feelings anymore since I appear to be a strong Christian man. I also confessed these feelings to another Christian friend, but he hasn't asked me about it since. I think he also believes I've overcome these struggles since I appear on the outside to be a strong Christian man. And I'm embarrassed to admit such a strong weakness (an oxymoron) to those who look up to me. CONTINUE TO PART 2 |
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