Don't get me wrong...
Submitted by Comfort on October 18 2000 10:38:35
In reply to hmmmmm submitted by Tempest on October 18 2000 02:18:40
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Believe me, I have spent many many an hour lusting after boys. And feeling sick for it. And no I cannot go past a channel with boys on it - which is why I tried giving up watching television at all. I know that is a big step and some might call going too far - but my life and peace with God seemed to be on the line - and let me tell you, the change was wonderful! "how can u give up the liking boys? tell me please... id love to know." I tell you, the strong pull toward boys has diminished so much for me in the past weeks, and it had to do with several things... 1) Admitting my problem honestly to God, calling it sin, and asking for his help 2) Admitting the problem honestly to my pastors, and receiveing their counsel and agreeing to do what they say 3) Seeing a Christian counselor regularly and talking with him about the issues 4) Having an accountability partner (in my case a woman, though a man may be better) with whom honesty is required 5) Doing what I think God is telling me to do - one thing was to stop watching television, and to TRY to stop masturbating. I heard Him say, "Even if it is not called sin, if I ask you, and you love Me, will you fast it for Me, will you try?" I had to try - great success with the TV, not a whole lot with the masturbation, though I gave up fantasizing about boys while doing it - if I do, I immediately ask for forgiveness and stop thinking about them. And I kept praying about it, and thanking God for His ability and plan to heal me and deliver me, and for the wife he had planned for me, and for the desire for her he was going to give me (like He describes in Song of Solomon). And let me tell you, two weeks ago, God sparked in me a strong emotional and physical desire for a woman - the first time I have expereinced that in my life. God has begun answering my prayers in a powerful way. Thoughts about boys have disappeared almost to nothing! I am in love with a woman for the first time (remember that accountability partner? Whoo hoo! She understands me and accepts me - but she is as determined as I that we will be successful in receiveing God's total healing from this lust for boys - we are excited where God is taking our relationship! God can do it for you, and He will. You just have to give yourself totally up to Him! GEt accountability and counsel. And the timetable? Let's see, it was end of June, beginning of July that I was suicidal because a boy from my church and I had slept together in a room with one of his friends - he had asked me, "You wanna trade back scratches?" You bet I did - this went on and on until we went to sleep, and later that night I got in his bed with him, looking for closeness and intimacy - I pressed my body against his, caressed him - and he didn't shy away...a "boylover's" dream. But the next day I was so overcome by guilt and conviction that I was about done in. It increased to the point I had to confess and get it out - I went to the boy's father and my pastor's and told all. It was a hairy situation for a while, but out of it God's grace came strong. I was given accountability and counseling, and lots and lots of prayer and encouragement and support. And here, three and a half months later, I can say that I rarely think about boys at all. When I fall asleep, I have thoughts of how the new woman in my life and I can spend our next time together. I am excited about sharing with others what God has done for me. My pastors rejoice with me at the new desires God has given me, and the way the desire I had struggled with so long have fallen away. Desire to look at porn on the Internet has totally disappeared. And that was a major habit! When I am in the mall like you say, I feel normal, and don't find myself looking at boys uncontrollably. And when a particularly handsome boy does 'catch my eye' (and it is not the same "Ummmmm hmmmm oh yeah!" feeling it used to be, more like just, "That kid looks good") before I let that thought take off, I immediately pray that God would cause that kid to love the Lord very much, and that He would protect him. Prayer for his true needs takes my mind off a desire to try to fulfill any needs I have for intimacy by looking and imagining. And I move on. It is blissful. Getting emotionally tied up was bad for me in that I could rarely control emotional feelings for a boy without allowing them to digress later (when he wasn't around) into thoughts of seeing him naked, etc.) And to put it plainly, that is just not good. My relationships with boys are far better in these last three months. I don't try to get alone with them, I don't try to get them to like me and be my best friend. It is so much healthier for me. And I find myslef enjoying interaction with adults more, and desiring to get to know adult men as friends, men several years older than me, rather than just 15 year old boys. And for the first time, I am happy with that. I feel great. I want to tell the world what God has done, but it is hard when I have told so few people in the first place that I have struggled with such thoughts. I did tell my Mom. Wow. She had been praying for me for years anyway after I told her when I was 18 that I had fooled around with my best friend and felt bad about it. When I told her what God had been doing, she about shouted praise to God, and cried - she was so happy for what God had accomplished. God CAN do it. God WILL do it. He loves you so much and wants to restore you. I prayed that prayer from Psalm 23 many many times, God, RESTORE my soul [the root of my emotions and thoughts] - resore it to be the way it was meant by You!" He answered that prayer! Praise God! May you all experience God's blessings and release! |
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