Do you love the boy?
Submitted by Splash! on December 12 2000 03:46:31
In reply to Do you love the boy? submitted by Heather on December 11 2000 22:49:52
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As always, Heather brings up some good points (along with documentation). I've also been enjoying the posts by Triple Q, GCFboi, and others. There seems to be a question in this thread whether AOA (age of attraction) is equal to love or not. Heather questioned whether it's fair to a child if a minor-attracted adult (e.g. a boylover) is "sexually attracted" to the child for a "short period" of time. Later in this thread the question became whether it's fair for a person to "love" the child only during the time they are [sexually] attracted to the child. I've felt the guilt of struggling with this predicament myself. "Is it fair for me to be involved with a child only because I'm 'sexually attracted' to the child?" or "Do I sincerely love this child if I'm also 'sexually attracted' to this child?" I think most boylovers have battled similar thoughts. My AOA for a boy is between 12-14 years old, but what happens when the boy I knew at age 12 becomes 15, 16, 17, and so on? The lust or attraction I felt for the boy starts to diminish, and my remaining interest in the boy is based on something else. Part of me becomes concerned with looking like a hypocrite for turning my back on a boy that outgrows my "age of attraction." And another part of me starts to realize just how much I actually loved this person. If I still have an interest in this "young man" as he grows into an adult, and I no longer have a lustful or sexual attraction for him, I can feel safe with knowing that my interest is now based in love for him. The guilt goes away. But if I lose interest in the young man because he is now less-attractive to me, then I feel guilty for realizing that I must not have loved him, but instead lusted him only. (Note: I realize that some would blame my Christianity for causing this feeling of guilt inside me, but I see (and treasure) the guilt as a boundary that shows me where I stand as a Christian in the sight of a holy God, revealing areas where I need to improve). To me, the answer to the question of fairness for a boylover's involvement with a boy is based on the degree of love in the relationship. The degree of love can be determined by asking two questions and writing out a list of answers for each question: 1) What am I getting out of my relationship with this boy? and 2) What is the boy getting out of his relationship with me? (I think "relationship" is a better word to use here than "friendship" because it's questionable whether one is a friend if the presence of love is also questionable). [Before I write the next sentence, please understand that I realize this entire post is my own opinion, and I don't expect every reader to totally agree with my beliefs; so with that said...] For there to be any justification for one's relationship with a child, there should be a greater benefit to the child than to oneself in the relationship. This is love. Not selfishness. Also, one's own motivations for wanting to be with the child should be examined. Is love the motivating factor? Or is it lust and sexual attraction? Also, how would you feel if you were the child's parent and knew that someone like you wants to be a part of your child's life? Would you feel it's for the betterment (and safety) of your child to be influenced and befriended by such a person? (I've noticed that we often leave the child's parents out of the picture in many of the posts in this forum. We need to be careful not to forget about the parents (where there are parents)). At this point, I should write my own conclusion. But I won't. I'll "steal" Heather's instead... ;) (Hey, why not? It's good enough to repeat!) ...people should realistically know that sexual passions don't always survive, and they should therefore make the founding stone of their relationships with other people something that is likely to last, such as loyalty and agape... No one who finds himself attracted to another person can be sure that he will be attracted to that other person in twenty years' time. So all of us need to take that into account when making our decisions about how to act toward the person we've fallen in love with. ~Splash* |
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