Re: boylove = a love that lasts a lifetime
Submitted by Lynx on October 22 2001 20:39:35
In reply to boylove = a love that lasts a lifetime submitted by Splash! on October 19 2001 03:00:11
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Well, it seems appropriate to relate the event that changed my life. (Or did it?) I was 16, and was and had been a very lonely boy -- the only thing I felt from my Dad was fear. No, terror would be a better word. Certainly no love. Now, maybe he did love me, but I couldn't perceive it. He didn't abuse me sexually, and very rarely physically, but emotionally he turned me into a basket case. I had no close friends -- wasn't allowed to go anywhere, and there were no 'mentors' in my life. I remember going to a christian school fine arts convention that year, and a certain 12 or 13-year-old who I'll call J crawled in the car next to me on the way up. I remembered being anoyed at J for doing this -- I had no desire to sit with him for the whole trip -- I remember feeling just a bit repulsed by him. Well, the trip up wasn't the last of my difficulties with him. During the whole weekend J followed me around everywhere and sat with me whenever the time came to sit. I remember asking him why he was following me around and I think I even asked him to give it up. Well, the irony of the whole thing was that when we got back, I couldn't stand to be away from him. I became obsessed with him -- remember, I was only 16 myself! I spent as much time with him as I could. The attraction was emotional, but as time went on, it developed into a physical attraction as well. (I never acted on that with him or anyone else.) But I know that that was secondary to the emotional need I had for him. He was the significant male in my life that I looked to for love, as the significant male that was supposed to love me was worse than missing. But he couldn't love me that way (or should I say, that deeply and unconditionally), and it became a source of great heartbreak for me. I would come home and cry day after day because he didn't pay very much attention to me that day, or he would spend more time with someone else than he did with me. This went on for a couple years and then, for some reason, we drifted apart. Maybe I just couldn't take the rejection any more. From that point to this day, I have loved them. I have grown out of the codependency trap, and now they are a ministry for me. I do know how much it would have meant to me, and maybe changed my life if I had had someone like me (as I am now) to love me when I was that age. Perhaps that is why I long to reach out to them, to encourage them spiritually, to see them develop a relationship with Jesus that is deep, and to do whatever I can for them, and to show them real love. Your comments are welcome and would be appreciated :) Lynx |
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