What do you do when...
Submitted by Jules on November 8 2001 15:47:02
|
...you're in the male changing room (open plan) at your local swimming pool, and two boys aged about 10 and 11 wander in and out of the showers naked, happily letting you see their excitement, which they're obviously aware of and enjoying? Answers on a postcard... What did I do? Having been hardly able to resist smiling at them, I said a few words that indicated that I'd seen and was impressed by their confidence, and understood their enjoyment. I'm sure some of my friends here would have advised against doing this but anyway I got a bit of friendly banter back from the elder of the two who said how nice it was to spend time like that. They seemed to enjoy my awareness and in their mind, at their age, I know it was innocent fun, and that's really the only level I related to them at. What else did I do? Wandered round with a big smile for the next 24 hours, for a start. It reminds me of a passage I read once in an early Christian text about one of the church fathers as a teenager (I think it was Origen), and how the men at the Roman baths applauded his first visible arousal there. It would seem that was quite normal. There's something really positive about men being able to celebrate boys' development in a simple and innocent way, although of course I'm aware of the potential for this to be considered abuse by some in the modern western world. To me, it would only be abuse if I were to impose something adult on them, such as suggesting anything to do with the adult concept of a sexual relationship, or if I were for example to take pictures of them for adult sexual enjoyment. I was interested to find that I really didn't want to masturbate when I got home, unlike the effect of some things I sometimes look at on the net. It's as though the innocence of it all really rubbed off on me, and I knew I didn't want to spoil that with anything more adult. Yes, I was aroused more than normal during the night, but it was more as if I was just that age myself enjoying a new-found excitement for the first time. I know (I knew already, but it's even clearer now) that there's part of me that's still that age, longing for that sort of innocent fun. To go back over those years and re-live them without any fear or shame. To have been much less inhibited with my first and only boyfriend (we were both 12). But I have to face the reality that I'm not that age anymore, and that sort of innocence isn't possible any more. I might be able to pretend to be a child and relate to the world of those boys, but in reality I am an adult, and any attempt to join in practically would be wrong. It would harm them because it would confuse their early developing conceptions of adult sexuality, and it would harm me because it would only reinforce the side of my sexuality that doesn't match my physical age and would do nothing to help me towards a fully adult sexuality. Not that a fully adult sexuality is ever possible, or even desirable, perhaps. I think if I ever do find an adult sexual partner (who I want to be female, but that's another story) she would need to have a similar sort of childlike sexuality, so that we could play together...and maybe grow up together? Having never had a sister (and we'd never have been allowed to see each other naked even if I had), that's another sort of innocent discovery I've never really enjoyed, and at the moment I'm not quite sure whether I most need a sister, a female friend, or a girlfriend. But as I said, that's another story... My only other thought while I was on my way home was, what have I done to deserve this treat?! With Christian love, Jules |
Follow ups: