Re: Wilderness wanderings
Submitted by damien on November 30 2001 14:22:02
In reply to Wilderness wanderings submitted by Lonely J on November 30 2001 04:46:09
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Phew! That’s a tough one. I’m not sure that I fully understand or except things myself. I think it would be fair to say there is still a degree of denial in my life. Additionally, there remains confusion caused though a lack of knowledge. ‘.. we see through an unclear glass…’ So forgive me as I muse, in an attempt to reply – I hope it will make some sense I gave my life to Christ at the age of fourteen. Fired up to spread the Good News, my Christianity was the main passion of my life. I committed my time and energies into the work of the fellowship, and started to prepare to enter into full-time ministry. At this stage in my life I was aware of my gay feelings, although hoped it was something that I would ‘grow out of’. Entering training at the age of seventeen, I thought I had made it. I was bold as brass in the proclamation of the Gospel. Perhaps being sheltered at home and within a strong fellowship, I had never experienced having to stand-alone. Having moved away from home to commence my training, I discovered that the person in charge of my training was not all that I expected of a Christian. Had I been older and or more experienced I would have handled thing differently. My developing gay feelings where also causing me grief. Guiltridden I was worried how it would affect things if they were found out, and horrified how they would let down my Jesus. Baffled, frustrated and disappointed I felt I could not cope with the situation – my dream had been dashed. I returned home. The feelings of failure made me leave the fellowship I had grown up in and which my family were members. I joined a church near by and started to find ways to support its activities. Still with the desire to enter full-time ministry I contacted the pastor who became very supportive. One year later I paid a visit to the college I had chosen to study at and was looking forward to fulfilling my ‘calling’. One evening while talking with the pastor I stated to share with him my disappointments and failures concerning my first attempt to enter the ministry. He was understanding, supportive and encouraging. I felt so safe with him; I opened up about my sexuality. We prayed together, I went home strengthened. Three days later at the monthly church meeting, the pastor informed the congregation that I had shared with him what he regarded as inappropriate sexual feelings. My membership was immediately withdrawn, and my ‘career’ once again halted. Feeling I was doing everything God wanted. Praying that Christ would purify my mind. Trusting that the Spirit would take would control of my life………………….. WHY? Who was to blame? I was keeping my side of the bargain. Angry with God I turned my back on Him. Wilderness years followed for which there is little to say, expect it was during those years that I realised not only was I gay but, I was also a boylover. Well fancy that, Thanks God I owe you one! I can not say there was one particular time or occasion when my reconciliation with God took place. It was gradual over a period of years and I think still continuing. God made me as I am, and as I am He will love me. He has set His angels over me to watch. In the wilderness, without direction, I could have died to Him, but I was lead out and drank again of the waters. Now would follow the question, What is sin? I stop here, or this post will be to long. In Him we have the Victory. damien |
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