Newbie
Submitted by Digger on December 4 2001 20:46:58
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Hello everyone, I'm new to this massage board. I am a Christian adult male living in Australia, but I am a boylover too. I hope that talking with others here will have a mutual benefit to all. Just a little history: I always thought I was normal until about the time I turned 13. It was then that I discovered that boys had become the most important things in the world to me - besides eating and breathing that is. I used to panic after gym at school, I always thought this was because I was ashamed to reveal my body to them. I later discovered (after a small experience) that deep down I was incredibly attracted to several of my classmates. It was a rather embarrassing time for me. Although I did not try to make contact with one particular boy, he knew why I was aroused. We were the last ones left in the change rooms, which made it easier for me to show him how I felt. Fortunately for me the boy involved was forgiving and discrete. He never said anything to the others. As I became older I realised that I was not going to be attracted to girls like most of my peers. Instead I pursued closer relationships (most becoming sexual) with boys my own age. It was not until my twenties that I arrived to a conscious knowledge that I was a boylover - although I had (and have) never been sexually involved with a boy. I always thought that my attraction to boys was just me being gay. I have always made friends very easily with boys and they have almost always been very affectionate with me. Some of the boys were so affectionate I knew they wanted me to return their affection in a sexual way. Some would give me kisses and others would do things that would arouse me - initially I was not sure if they were intentional acts, but as I looked back on the circumstances of each boy, they were starved for male affection – something I suffered from all my life. I have always satisfied my sexual tension towards boys by masturbating, but the temptation to respond to one of these beautiful people has been so hard for me. Just meeting a boy or seeing a boy with his shirt off or in a pair of Speedos creates such images (and fantasies) in my mind that I've never been able to control myself. I would sometimes arouse myself (inconspicuously) in the presence of the boys to help relieve my sexual tension without causing them any further emotional damage. But I would always feel guilty afterwards. Recently I became so absorbed in a gay chat room that I made friends with a 16-year-old youth. Although I knew it was wrong, we became lovers over the Internet. I even made a long distance trip to visit him with the intention of having sex with him. As it turned out I didn’t meet him, returning home feeling utterly exhausted and ashamed of myself. I believe that I can be restored to be a whole man. I know that things that happened to me as a child (rejection and sexual abuse) have damaged the view I have of myself and formed the wrong emotional and sexual attractions that I have. I want to be free. I need to love and to be loved in a way that makes me feel satisfied. I want to be usefull to God. I know I have Gods forgiveness and that he is neer to me, I just feel so alone at the moment. God Blees you all, Digger |
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