I'm at my wits end
Submitted by Matthew on December 31 2001 04:28:59
|
Hello everyone, It's nice to know that there are others who have the same feeling I do. I really didn't know where to turn, I've been fighting this for so long, and I feel so alone. Yes, I have feelings for boys, ages 12-14, I don't know why, and I don't understand them at all. I don't want them, but can't make them go away. I live with a very nice woman, my fiancee, we've been together for 5 years now. I love her very much, but I no longer feel anything sexual for her. It's just not fair, and she's going through more hell than I am. But I can't bare to tell her why the sexual feelings I have, aren't about her. I mean, I can't watch a movie that has 12-14 year old boy in it, I just lose my breath, no matter how hard I try to control it. It's hard to go out in public, because I feel like a sick freak. I freeze up when I see them in public, because I'm scared that someone will know what I'm thinking. I feel so dirty. Like a monster. I've never done anything with a boy sexualy, at least, not in my adult life. I was raped by a 16 year old boy when I was 9, and I experimented with another boy when I was 11. There's no way I could ever lay my hand on a child in a sexual manner. I was brutally raped myself, I wouldn't put anyone through that. I would kill myself before I would ever harm a child. I have become a recluse, I rarely leave my house. I know that I will never be happy sexually, I can accept that. But it does feel very lonely. As much as I love my fiancee, I think I have to leave her, it's just not fair to her. I can't ask her to stay with someone like me. She deserves to be happy with someone. I don't believe in suicide, but I just don't understand what people who have these feeling are supposed to do. I can't touch a child, I can't be happy with an adult. I can't change, but the world will never accept me. I'm damaged goods, a reject, how do I scrap myself? Thanks so much for offering a place to vent, I'm 32 years old, and I've had these feelings since I was 14, this is my first confession to anyone. I feel a bit better already. |
Follow ups: