ecclesiastes, or the more things change...
Submitted by Badger on January 15 2002 13:04:29
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greetings to all, and grace and peace from our Lord and Savior to those who faithfully follow Him. i used to post here quite often, but after a hiatus of a couple of years i now have time and resources to visit somewhat regularly. to all of the old nicks i knew, Chris, FOD, Jules, Bach, and many others, i greet you fondly, and will drop y'all an email soon... to all the other folks, i am glad to see you here...infinitely glad. hmmmm.....ecclesiastes.... i have a job that 35 people applied for, and i was one of the 4 that were hired... i have a brand new $40,000 car... i have several YF's that i see on a constant basis, who love me, and are loved by me, and who constantly beg for me to spend more time with them... wherever i go in my community, i see people i know, friends, good friends, and i am continually stopping to chat for a moment with these good people... when i walk or drive around my town, almost every boy i see, i know...and they come over to say hi or come for a ride with me... i am like a son and part of the family to a family in this town...i can drop in whenever, i have access to their house, whatever i need, they would gladly provide...and mom and dad both know that i am a boylover, yet still welcome me, and even have no problem with leaving me alone with their children or having their son come with me... yet in all this, i am not content... i know that what i seek is the contentment that will be found only in my relationship with God, Christ, and the Holy Spirit... I KNOW THIS DEEP WITHIN MY HEART.... yet why do i continue to seek it elsewhere? i am working on a Blble study called The Mind of Christ... yet i cannot seem to discipline myself to sit down and stick with it... i have a drug problem that i am slowly mastering, which for a long time used to consume almost all of my money and resources and time... in my relationships with boys, i have come to realize that they cannot give me what i need, what i seek, what i desire deep in my inmost soul... I NEED GOD and He is all that i need... yet why can i not find Him? i seek His face, yet it is not turned to me... i try to pray, yet i cannot... i try to go to church, but it stifles me... i cry when i am alone, begging and pleading with God to merely be near me, to not forsake me, to not leave me in this prison... now i begin to know what Moses felt like when he wandered for eighty years in the wilderness of Midian and beyond, alone with his sheep.... perhaps the Lord will not make me wait 80 years to know Him as i desire to...than again, perhaps He will...i suppose i just need to be patient and wait on Him and His time... but it is hard. |
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