yes yes YES
Submitted by tigris on January 18 2002 16:47:47
In reply to Loneliness submitted by Ben on January 17 2002 21:31:58
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Wow, this is incredible. Reading through your message, I was thinking how much I could relate to what you were feeling, thinking and writing. What kind of blew me away was when you actually mentioned my name as someone who's story you related to. This was the first time I realized that my BL could help someone else. To know that you are actually reading my messages and thinking that you could relate is a new thought for me. No one has ever really related to me on that level before. Anyway, I absolutely, 100 percent, believe that lonliness is a MAJOR factor in my BL. I have always refered to it as the demons of lonliness that plague me. They go away sometimes, but they are always one step away from me, waiting to plague me as soon as I am back alone with myself. They are my constant companion. Yeah, that sounds kind of strange, but that's how I think, I guess. My attraction to boys is, at the core, not really sexual at all. It's about longing for a true friendship and uncondtional love. I have always realized that. I grew up not good at sports, while the rest of my siblings were. My dad bonded with them, but never really bonded with me. I was a loner all through school. Not really unhappy, just content to be by myself. But, I never really learned how to socialize like most kids do. Yeah, I can socialize like anyone else, but I think that I am still looking to resolve the issues of lonliness and the family issues that I experienced as a child. I see myself in the boys I deal with. I think that subconsciously I am trying to fix myself by fixing them. That leads to more lonliness, because yeah, they might be fixed, but I am not. I'm still a wreck inside. In addition, working with kids, boys specifically, is really the one thing that I have ever been truly good at. It's the one thing that I have gotten positive feedback from. Many many people have told me that I'm like the Pied Piper when it comes to working with children. They just follow me around. The only time my dad has ever said he was proud of me was last year when he saw what an impact I was having on several kids that I know. I didn't have anything like this in my life until I started working at a summer camp. I fell in love with the children and the positive feedback I was getting. I loved my "new identity" as someone who worked well with children. I guess I became addicted to the comments made by the children, camp staff, and parents about what I was doing. It was the first and only time I have ever been truly outstanding in something. I was told many times that I was the best counselor that the camp has ever had. Kids would always request to be in my cabin. Kids from other cabins would always want to leave their cabin group and join mine. Part of this is related to the BL, but I know that God has also gifted me to work with kids like that. Masturbation has been an issue for me, but really, it's not so much about fantasizing sexually. It's about intimacy. Naked boys may turn me on, but it's mostly because in my fantasies, I think that if the boy trusts me so much that he doesn't even mind being naked in my presence, then he must truly trust me. I don't think I would ever do anything to harm a boy, but I do long for that close, trusting relationship with him. Does that make sense? It's at my times of closest interaction and true emotional connection with Kenny, or any of the boys that I deal with that I feel most tempted to masturbate. I think that in my head, the emotional bonding leads naturally to the sexual feelings. I don't know if this is a natural connection or not. I wish I could stop connecting the intimate feelings with sexual feelings. If I had more really good adult friends who I interacted with on a regular basis, then I don't think that my BL would be at the point that it is right now. But since I don't right now, I get my release from lonliness partly from Kenny. And since I love having the break from lonliness, I become addicted to being with him. It's not HIM I'm addicted to, it's the temporary reprieve from the lonliness that I am addicted to. Boys help to medicate my lonliness, of only temporarily. Isn't that why many people turn to alcohol and drugs? To medicate what they are truly feeling? My life seems to be one big quest to relieve this lonliness that plagues me. What a mess . . . Anyway, thanks for posting, Ben. Let's keep in touch. I like the way that you think. tigris |
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