For Ben and everyone else too
Submitted by tigris on February 5 2002 18:34:44
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Hey guys. Reading Ben's recent post about how he feels like he has based a lot of his life around boys got me thinking. I can express my feelings much better through writing. That's why I have always said that typing out things here has been more beneficial for me more than anyone else. Anyway, I remembered that I had feelings similar to what Ben was talking about several months ago. I had typed out what I was feeling, and I thought that maybe you would be interested to see what I was feeling at that time. Maybe it will help someone out. I have always related my BL to loneliness, which I was really feeling at that time. Here goes . . . What is home for me anymore? I don't know. This year has been an awesome experience, but it has left me confused too. It has left me feeling sort of empty. I have had times here where I feel so content and so fulfilled, so happy and so full of joy, but also times where I feel like I am always running and hiding from the loneliness that seems to be one step behind me all the time. Everything I do, everywhere I go, it seems that I am going there to try to hide from the demons of loneliness that are chasing me. I seem to be the happiest when the demons are gone and I have defeated them temporarily. But as soon as I come back home, there they are waiting for me. I heard something the other day that stuck with me. I feel like I'm looking for something I've already found. I have Jesus. The fruit of living according to the Spirit is love, joy, peace, etc. These are the things that I seem to be missing from my life. I know that I can't always see clearly because of my humanness and my earthly perspective, but how I can I not feel alone if I am, in fact, alone? For whatever reason, I have been dealt the hand of singleness. Singleness is something that seems to be synonymous with loneliness. I have been filling myself with things that I know won't satisfy me for long, and now I am reaping the fruit of those choices. Loneliness, hopelessness, depression, etc. Even if I were to rely totally on God, would that mean that this loneliness would be gone? This isn't really my home. Heaven is my home. I don't really belong here. I guess to feel at home here on earth would sort of be a bad thing anyway. Wow, this is hard to realize... it's almost embarrassing how pathetic this is. I am basing big decisions not on what God might want for me, but on how it might help me to avoid loneliness. My social life revolves around two fourth graders. Those two fourth graders have done some really good things for me by doing battle against the demons of loneliness, but they have enabled me to put off dealing with it for that much longer. I want so badly to be included and to be wanted and loved. Not a love that is a physical love or sexual relationship, but just to know that I am important and valued. I have found that here to some extent, and that's why this has been such a good experience for me. But along with the highs that I have experienced, I have had just as many lows. I guess that's because I have taken my eyes off of Jesus and what he wants for me. I am starving spiritually and feeding off of the junk that I have found. When I think of the things that I have done and the situations that I have found myself in, I am disgusted and appalled. I am spiritually malnourished. It happened so slowly that I didn't even realize that it was happening. Now here I am, in a bad place. I know what I should be and I know that I have the potential to do great things for God. But I'm not doing it. I believe that I am far from what God would want me to be doing. How do I get back? I don't know. I'm not really motivated. Self-control is an issue for me. I am not disciplined and never have been. I don't want to keep living like this, but in a weird way, I do want to keep living like this. I am not willing to trade off what I have for what God has. I want to be willing, but I'm scared to death. I don't even know where to go from here. How do I actually give it up? How do I fall into God's arms? What actions do I actually take to get there? It's not like taking off a backpack that is weighing me down. I don't know what to do here. Hmmmmmm.... I suppose that the old saying about admitting it being the first step is true. To live in the awareness of these imperfections is allowing God to work in them. I am just guessing about that, but it makes sense that it would have to be the first step. So here I am, at a crossroads. My whole identity is based upon my insecurities. I don't know where to go from here, but I need to trust God to bring me to the point of knowing where to go next. Something has got to change. I cannot keep living like this. To go from high to low, back and forth, is too much. I know that even if these feelings are not going to go away totally, this is not where God wants me to be anyway. I need to move forward and change what I'm doing. I need to be transformed by the renewing of my mind. But I don't know how . . . Dear God, take this mess that I've made and change me. Take this honest evaluation of myself and work with it. Bring me to the place where I can change. Make me willing to obey you. Make me willing to focus on you instead of my insecurities. |
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