I hate bing a B/L
Submitted by innocence is bliss on 2002-06-30 00:53:59, Sunday
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I went to church this morning, I was feeling pretty good, I hadn't been for a while anyway, I was really looking forward to it. I got there a little early and waited for the service to start, while I was waiting I noticed this really hot kid. He was wearing boardshorts and a red t-shirt, I couldn't stop looking at his legs, they were so smooth. He turned around and I almost fainted LOL! Man, he was so, so cute! So gorgeous, he had beautiful green eyes and just blew me away. Then I suddenly I imagined myself f#@% him up the *^#! and that "killed" me. I was in tears. Here I was in church, in the house of God, supposedly worshiping my Lord and Saviour and all I could think about was #$@! this kid! I felt like crap, I asked God to forgive me and pleaded with him to help me get my focas of this kid and onto him. But I couldn't get that damn kid out of my head. He was sitting right in front of me. In hindsight, I probably should have moved to another seat, but then again, I don't know if that would have changed much. The point is, I feel like a real hypocrite. I hate myself for having those thoughts. I don't want to go through my entire life, struggling with this shit! Im attracted to boys and I hate it! I can't even walk down the street, catch a train or jump on a bus or ferry without spotting some cute kid and instantly feeling attracted to him. I can't even go to church without being bombarred by ungodly and detestable thoughts and desires. Sometimes I wonder if God really cares, I've asked him time and time again to remove these feelings and attractaions and he wont! I'm gay and I hate it, Im a boy lover and I hate it. Sorry for complaining, I'll stop all of this meaningless complaining. Innocence |
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