What's missing?

Now I have to try to figure out what I'm missing and then how to fill that need in a more positive way. Dakota, I did something for television a month ago, and this last weekend I watched it. I saw myself from the "outside" as others see me. I watched the way I talked and the gestures I used. It was really different seeing myself this way. I wasn't terribly disappointed, but I saw some things. I saw this man (me) putting on a front. I could see right through me. I am not who I "think" I am -- I am what I am. If that makes any sense? What if these other people who watched me saw me as I know myself? I saw things about me that I didn't know were so obvious. And I didn't see things about me that I thought were obvious. Understand? Anyway, it was a learning experience, and I now know that I need to make some changes. On that television screen I saw a man who I thought was godly but I knew was far from it, and on that television screen I saw a man hiding the fact that he had many skeletons in his closet. I now realize that I have a lot of changing and cleaning up to do. One thing that I noticed was missing was the godly man who I thought I would be at this point in my life. I also noticed how lonely I looked. Maybe it was just my perception. I deny my loneliness daily. But as I watched myself on television I saw myself trying to relate to many people without knowing one person who could in fact relate back to me. That's what I'm missing. I mean, I know Jesus knows me and I can have a good relationship with him, but there's also that constant desire to be loved and understood by someone like me every day -- someone who maybe hasn't had the same exact life experiences, but someone who is able to at least understand and love me for me; in addition, giving me the strength to be that man I always thought I'd be. Dakota, I can very much relate to what you went through the other night. I've had similar yearnings. When I was a boy, I fantasized about being loved by a man -- not sexually, but at least caressed. I still have some of those same desires. Part of me thinks that I can only be fully loved and understood by another man who knows what it's like to be a man and what it took to get here. I don't seek sexual encounters with men; though, like you, I seek some kind of intimacy (which might lead to something sexual). And even greater, I'd love to be loved and caressed by a woman -- it feels very good and very right. But at the same time, I will always desire to be loved and understood by only those who can. In my mind, only those who can understand me are boys and other men like me. Maybe what I need to do is find a girlfriend and several good male friends? Having a son wouldn't hurt either. What else could fill this need? Will we always have the feeling that something's missing?