A thought for Drew regarding 'D'
Submitted by Mavrick on 2002-10-9 22:04:06, Wednesday
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Drew (and anyone else reading this), I am visiting this fourm for the first time and I was reading your postings. I have been in a similar situation, although the relationship I had for my yf was not to the extent your's is. (I was surprised that you had named in your will.) My situation did not involve an ex, but a close (or so I thought at the time) friend. I was spending a lot of time working with "J" trying to be the "male role model" in his life. His father had died when "J" was 8 months old. When I met him he was 9 and was considered a real trouble maker. His mother had brought him to the youth group meetings that I was holding. (I had worked as a youth pastor for 7 years.) When I first met "J" he was rude and very disruptive. I had a talk with his mother to get some background information and asked her permission to spend some one on one time with "J". She was very grateful for the help and invited me to dinner at their house. When I went to the dinner, I took some time to talk to the point blank. I told them that the only way I could help "J" was if he wanted it. He said he did and that he wasn't sure why he did the things he did. Over the next two years we spend a great deal of time together and I began to think of him as an adopted son. His entire attitude changed to one that was loving and caring. During the summers we were inseperable. His mother was so glad for the change in him that she was telling others about the work I was doing. There had been several times that "J" had spent the night at my house, mainly because his mother worked as a nurse and would have to work an evening or overnight shift when they were short on staff. I would agree to watch "J" so that she wouldn't have to worry about getting a sitter. Some of my happest memories were of the those eveings with "J". On more than one occasion "J" told me that he loved me and that he wished I was his dad. I had considered asking his mother to marry me, but thought it was not wise because I would me marrying her for "J's" sake, not because I loved her. Without notice she called me up one day and said that I could no longer see "J" and that I was not to call or write him. To me it was like someone telling me that my son had just died. It took me weeks before I could recoiver enough to find out what happened. Here's the scoop: One one of the nights that "J" stayed over, my friend dropped by to work on a sunday school lesson that he was having trouble preparing. Just before he arrived I had told "J" to take a shower and get ready for bed. While we were working on the lesson, my friend aske dwho was in the shower. I had told him that "J" was spending the night because his mother had to work all night. He seemed okay with that and we continued working on the lesson. A few minutes later "J" came out of the bathroom naked and said there were no clean towels. I told him that they in the lien closet in the bathroom. And then told him that he should not come out of the bathroom like that, just to crack the door open and ask me that way. "J" jokingly said " I thought you would like this." and went back into the bathroom. I was upset by what he said and excused myself to go talk to him about it. I never went in the bathroom, but talked to him through the door. He said he was only joking and I told him that my friend might not understand that. "J" came out in his P.J.s and told my friend that he was only joking and my friend seemed alright with it. The next day my friend went to the pastopr ofo ur church and talked to him about this situation. The pastor told me that he had told my friend that it was more than likly just a joke and not to worry about it because he trusted me and knew that I would never malest anyone. My friend went to "J's" mother and told her about it and expressed concern that I was being "Intiment" with "J". She called me right then and told me stay away. Although I disagreed with her, I did as she asked. Over the few months "J" began to get into his old habits. His friends at school would tell me about it or give notes that "J" had written for me. A roumor started that we had been lovers and sexually active during those years, that I had taken advantage of a young boys need for a father figure. It got so bad that I decided to stop the rumors once and for all. On the following Sunday morning Iasked the pastor (who did not belive anything these roumors said) if I could address the congrigation about this issue. He agreed, somewhat relutanly, and thought that I should use it as a basis for a sermon. Not what I wanted, but I took it. During that service "J" was there, having heard about that I was giving the message. His mother was also there. I talked about the roumors that had been started about Christ, the lies that were going around by those who did not know him. I then talked about the roumors that were going around about me. About how disappointed I was that everyone who knew me had belived these lies and not verified them. I talked about the reasons that I was working with the unnamed boy (I never mentioned "J" in the message) and how it had helped. I told them what had reeally happened that night and that I had the young boy explain that it was a joke. I then said that I forgave the friend that did not belive me enough or tust me enough to come to me in private. And I also forgave his mother who, after all the time that I had spent with him, sis not trust me or her son enough to ask us about it. I then said that because of the harm that was being done to the church that I was resigning as of that moment and moving out of state. The pastor was out of his seat like a shot and "J" came running up from his pew. Pastor was saying he didn't want me to leave and was all but yelling at the congrigation about how I was the best thing to happen at that church in many years and that he could not belive that they had fallen for the lies that were not true. "J" had run up on the stage and was hugging me so tight I thought that he would break my neck. "J" was crying and asking mot to leave. His mother came up and apoligized and said that she was sorry. My "friend" just sat there shaking his head. When the pastor asked me to stay I said that the ONLY way I would stay if we took a vote of the mebership that evening. If they wanted me to stay I would. If not I would leave. Our memebrship was 150 at that time. Normally only 60 members would show up for any meetings or votes. That night 143 people showed and voted 141 to 2 for me to stay. And I did. The rumors were out to rest, my "friend" moved out of town and things went back to normal. Execpt now everyone in the church was fully behind the youth program. Six months is when this happened. I am still here and "J" is now my adopted son. The saddest part of this whole story is that "J's" mother was killed by a drunk driver when she was one her way home from work late one night two months ago. "J" was at my house spending the night. |
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