A Newbie speaks............
Submitted by Don on April 13 1999 at 03:27:33
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Hi all, just thought I'd introduce myself. I just found this site via Chris and find it very interesting. I got into youth ministry about five years ago (volunteer) and thats when I started to have some BL feelings. Never had them before that. I realized that God had given me some awesome gifts in reaching out to kids, especially teen boys. I'm in my late 30's and work in a professional job which gives me a lot of time off, and yet in many ways, I've never grown up. I can put a hat on and look like I'm in my early 20's, I follow the teen culture, and I have a big heart for youth, especially those that are troubled or hurting. I'm not gay, at least I don't think I am. I find women attractive but I don't date. I guess I'll get married someday. However, when I see a cute boy walk by I must say that I find him attractive, too. I've had a pretty active "self-sex" life since I was about 11 and don't see any big problem with that. However, now I often fantasize about teen boys and like gay porn, which causes feelings of guilt, so much so that some nights I can't sleep as I debate with myself the rights and wrongs of my BL feelings. Please believe this....my "self-sex" (sorry, I just can't bring myself to say masterbation....HE HE....there....I said it) life and my real life are two very different things. I would never have sex with a kid, period. I also can't see myself "falling in love" with a boy. I just don't have those kinds of feelings. But I have become very close friends with some teen boys. In particular, one boy who I mentor. Nick is 15 and suffers from manic depression and low self-esteem. He's on three different meds, has been hospitalized twice, and tried to kill himself more than once. I met him when I was a church camp counselor and strongly felt God leading me to befriend this kid. I overcame some feelings of aprehension and came charging into his life. To make a long story short, Nick and I have become very close buddies, he's gone so far as to say he might have killed himself if I hadn't come along. What Nick doesn't know is how great it's been for me to be close to him, too. The time we spend together is most enjoyable, we have a blast together. I love him very much and I know he loves me, we are friends in Christ. I'm not sure why I'm telling you all this or what kind of response I expect. It's nice to have a place to explore some of my rather strange, by the worlds standards (but what do they know !!!), feelings. I've grown leaps and bounds in my relationship with God since I've become active in youth ministry.....so I know that's where God wants me. But I'm confused about the seedier side of my sexual fantasies and wonder if such lusts are a sin (of course, all lust is sin) It's nice to be here and I look forward to benefiting from your knowledge and support. Don |