Re: Thoughts for you and for others
Submitted by F.O.D. on June 10 1999 at 18:35:48
In reply to Thoughts for you and for others Submitted by Adam TBK on June 09 1999 at 14:05:37
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Hello Adam, you bring up a number of important points that highlight the importance of distinguishing between the herd instinct and individual conviction in dealing with faith in God. I find myself on the other end of the relationship you had with your adult friend. Both me and my YF have recognised the attraction we have towards each other. I told him "it would be nice to touch each other, wouldn't it?, but really we oughtn't". Some time after that he said to me more or less the same thing "it would be nice to touch, but really we shouldn't". It's the everpresent tension I deal with in loving him and being his friend. And what is the best way to love him? He's still developing, he may well be hetero, really. He's been known to ogle at pictures of women. Or what, if we did consummate our love, and then he had to return to his life and I move on with mine (I now live far from him, such are the circumstances of work)? We would form this most intimate bond, and then have it snapped, just like that. His desire would be for me, but I would not be there. It's bad enough dealing with it as it is, where we haven't come together in sex. I think what I'm trying to express is that when I tell my boy "we shouldn't have sex", it's not just out of a hopeless intention to follow some confounding, meaningless rules, but because there is sense and value behind those morals. And it's that sense and that maturity which I'm trying to pass on to my YF and which I'm trying to learn myself. I think this fits in with your thoughts about the dynamics of Christian community, in that the key thing is that the members understand and believe for themselves the moral values they accept communely, and that they teach the children to gain an independent appreciation for their faith. Rather than a blind acceptance of whatever the leader says. It's true there are some Christian communities that are more authoritarian (I use this word rather than "fundamentalist"; the latter is such an empty, chimeral word) and do not accept the questioning of, and hence the individual questioning of, their teachings. Watching Ben's journey, I believe he has come to accept our faith on it's own merits, and his church has been happy to him the faith, without coercing him into making a premature commitment. Do you fear he has managed to delude himself? You are right about the social value of a Christian community. That is there, and that is why one must test for oneself the authenticity of one's acceptance of the faith. It happens time and time again that people come into our churches, overjoyed to find people who accept them, then leaving after a period of time bitter and disillusioned, that these people at the church aren't giving them the same buzz they got at first. They were drawn to the social world of Christians, but never thought to come to terms with God himself and so missed the very heart of the Christian life. You stated that the decision not to have sex with a boy may come around to hurt the boy. I agree there can and will be pain, the same pain in the tension I have with my YF, but I think it is wrong to say therefore that the boy has a "right" to have sex, that you "must" give it to him. When a boy is mature enough to enter into a sexual relationship, then he must be mature enough to respect the desire of the one he loves not to have sex. It's just the same between an adult man and woman. Failing to respect the other's desire not to have sex, whatever the reason might be, is sexual abuse, Adam. A boy raping a man. If a boy has the right to say "yes", then he has the right to say "no". If a boy has the right to say "no", then a man also has the right to say "no". Adam, I'm not entirely clear what you mean by keeping a relationship with a boy separate from religion. If I am going to let a boy into my life, I want him to share all of my life. And my faith is a part of my life, indeed, the greater part, for it concerns God, the highest of my loves. I cannot share friendsh ip with a boy, without sharing with him my faith also. If I try to keep my faith hidden from him, I am lying to him, I am a hypocrite, and he will not know the real me. I sorry to hear the experience you had with the church was so painful. That shows again how we should be building up our young friends to develop their own life and convictions, rather than simply parroting what we do. I'd be curious to hear what relationship you bear to your adult friend today. Do you see each other today? Regards, Fod |