Here's something
Submitted by Adam TBK on June 12 1999 at 23:08:05
In reply to Hi, Adam Submitted by Heather on June 11 1999 at 14:51:36
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Sure--I looked in oldposts and didn't find anything at all. Maybe some posts were lost? I'm a little bit bent out of shape right now, but I'll try to explain the experience before this thread rolls by. When I was 11 or so, I was what I would call a pretty sad boy. I had friends and loving parents, but for reasons I couldn't see, I was very lonely. I remember looking out of my window onto the greyness of the backyard, with feelings in me that I didn't understand. Some time went by and my feelings about myself were hardened by some experiences of rejection by girls that I was in love with. I don't think I felt very good about myself. Before I knew it, life changed. I made a real friend. I wish there was another word for it, because most people have friends, but this friendship was something very special. The friendship between me and my OF began when I was thirteen or so. We started spending weekend days together. We shared common interests in very particular kinds of music and hobbies. We went places together. It was incredibly fun. I loved him, and he liked spending his time with me. At some point, I started staying over at his place occasionally on weekends. We wrote letters several times a week. I eagerly awaited his letters and I wrote a huge quantity of letters to him. I was becoming more physically affectionate with age, and one time I somehow ended up in his arms on the couch--a very comfy spot. I felt protected and loved. I felt understood. He was the only person to have ever really connected with me. It gave me great happiness and a new view on life. I realized what I had gained, though at the time I was unsentimental about it (until it ended). It's hard for me to remember what it was like. Life was so much more intense for me back then. Well, that wasn't the only thing that was intense--I also had a very strong sexual need. That night on the couch we discovered that I liked being touched by him. In fact, I liked it a lot. We were at the point where, to the both of us, it just seemed natural and no leap in the slightest. That's how close we were. Many times we did things which are now just happy memories to cherish and remember--places we went together. The nights of sleeping next to him were the ultimate times of my life. They brought me to a new place. I can't even describe it to you. But, I felt instinctively on one night where my feelings were the most intense they had ever been, that I had never felt that good in my life, and would never feel any better than that in my life, and perhaps it would not come back. Unfortunately so far I was right. Some amount of time, I have no idea how much, went by until he began to 'share' his religion with me. I accepted it--that's all I want to say about that. I believed in it strongly for a couple of years. But during that time, he pulled away. It was in 1990, the same time as the religion was introduced (I have to use my letters to try to remember the order of things) that I recognized and accepted consciously that I was attracted to boys, and had been unconsciously attracted to them since I was young. I told him about it. He reacted negatively. When he pulled away, we still talked on the phone. The two of us kept the long distance phone company in business. But the pullout was complicated. He didn't want to be sexual with me. For him, having me stay over was now a liability. As I got older, I needed to be hugged more and more. This was bad because he started saying that denying myself these things--being hugged, etc. was a "test from God." And something I regret the most of all things in my life is that I believed it. Our relationship became one centered on the religion from there on. Looking back on my letters, there was a big shift from before the religion and after it. My writing, the tone and topics, the life within the early letters were so nice. Looking back at these letters recently, I wondered where that Adam had gone. I know what happened to him. And my current friend, whom many of you know, once saw pictures of me with my older friend from that time. He said, "wow, you were all smiley!" My former OF last year sent all of my letters back to me. What a thing to see all ninety+ of them. So, the no-longer-smiley version of Adam discussed his non-smileyness with his OF for a long time, around when I was 15 and 16 I think. The letters had stopped. Mine were very pained and I haven't been able to read them. We rarely saw each other any more. I called him every few days, and weeks would go by without returned calls. Pretty soon, I never got return calls. The religion was something that I actually did believe in. Mind you, my father was Jewish and hates Christianity. I was a strong person, doing things which excited and motivated other "believers". I tried to get my friends at school to believe in it too. Unfortunately I never got it on with any of my high school loves. The entire subject of my OFs letters sometimes were about how I needed "to stay away" from them. It's a real pity--because I knew certain boys who liked me and I liked them, too. It was clear, and probably to both of us, that I believed it because I wanted his love. And now I see how I was wrong to believe it. But I don't regret our relationship one bit. He had other qualities I liked a lot, which had nothing to do with his religion. Many people liked him a lot, too, including my folks. I'm leaving a lot out of this explanation, but I guess I have to. I'll leave the telling of any more details for another day. I have a tapioca pudding in the fridge which I want to eat, and I'm tired... so long, folks. Adam |