paradise
Submitted by F.O.D. on June 27 1999 at 15:33:40
In reply to and you were doing so well... Submitted by tks on June 26 1999 at 20:53:26
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Have you ever thought about the possibility that the word "paradise" is the plural of "paradox"? I'll tell you more about my manifold adventures and the turmoil of inner conflict. But not from this trip. I think I said most everything that's there to be said from this trip. Some ten years ago I was wandering about a different town. It's in the blood, this wanderlust. One guy about my age came up to me, asked me if I wanted to go somewhere. I said "yeah, why not?", young and naive and innocent I was then, and still am. I reckoned he must have been lonely, wanted someone to be his friend. Why shouldn't I be a friend to someone who needs it? So we started walking together, chatting meaninglessly. We started to make a left turn, but for some reason he thought about it and turned right instead. We went along through the dark city (it was night), came to this park, eventually I realised we were headed towards the park toilets. I started getting nervous then, I thought "what if he's a drug-dealer, what if he's going to stick me with some drugs, or mug me and nick off with my money?" It honestly didn't occur to me at first that he was just gay and wanted sex. But sex, as it transpired, he did seek, as I came to understand only when we had actually made it into the toilets. With difficulty I looked at him and told I didn't want us to do that, I didn't think it was right. I told him I didn't think it was what God wanted us to do. I hated myself for telling him that. I hated the pain I was hammering into his being. He looked like he felt disappointed, pissed even. He wanted to leave and and just get away from me. I believe I did the right thing. What kind of a life is it sneaking around getting sex from strangers in public toilets? But I hated doing it. Ever since, I've regretted not sharing intimacy with him. Ever since I've thought about what if we had done it, what if I had gone a different way about it, and made a friend of him. I regret not doing it, but I think it was right not to do it, but I regret not doing it. Ah, life. Fod |