consider that...uh... but I should mention that the people I fall in love with are my best friends, people I need, people who enable me every day of my life, people who would slap me upside the head if I did something destructive. People who would die for me.

Maybe I have this all backwards, but if Satan put these people in my life, perhaps I missed something?

People = person for the most part. I distance myself from people. So the term men(man) comes from the fact that the last male I fell in love with, well, that ended up in disaster, and im STILL in love with his younger brother, young as in almost 17, not 9. But I never see him, so it's really just my one buddy I hang out with. It's kind of wierd, I remember teling my mother, so let's go back here... I was 12 at the time, and my mom had been suspecious that I'd been involved with my friend, sexually. Anyway, she caught me looking at gay porn and she told me she accepted the way I feel, I remember thinking.... no, feeling, as if things would never be normal, that my only shot at a normal life was crusting on a sock at the bottom of a hamper. Like it was some kind of balance that I had completley messed up, I remember sitting on her bed, telling her that me and Scott (not a real name) hang out all the time, and we had some things, and I really like him as a friend, and now I'm starting to wonder if I really like him, then I began to wonder if I was supposed to.

Godspell said on a post below that the sooner I accept myself - you have to understand, that accepting that, is like, declaring war on two countries already at war - in the end - I guess - being a World War. I've come far past 'acceptance' and am now into the depression part because

"Hey mom, I'm gay, and no I'm not having sex with Scott anymore, I'm not having sex period actually, which is why I'm miserable 99% of the time because my entire life consists of supressing my sexual feelings."

I'll never have sex and live it through, some things just hit me harder then others, sure, I look at porn, get angry and cuss alot, which are all 'sins' which all I guess somewhere along the line 'killed' Jesus. Sure, if all those mean my ignorance somewhere indirectly killed Jesus, I could get into that, but having sex, and being okay with it, I might as well have gutted Jesus myself and hung him up there and spit at him. Which leads me back to that war im talking about, I have no peace in my life, ever. Sometimes worse then others obviously.

I have this friend; who calls himself a follower of Jesus, and yet, he dates a girl and freely has sex with her, without the backwash of guilt, and I one day asked him what his logic behind all this is. He simply answered, and I quote:

"I've been there man, I've been to that point in my life where I'm so unhappy I just want to die, and if I can find anything, ANYTHING at all that can make me happy, make me want to live, im taking it"
What he says screams hypocrite!
But makes more sense then most other things I've heard people say.
Sure, one could argue, that he isn't happy.
But, the argument that he is still alive is far stronger, and far more meangingful. Somewhere in all rant, i hope i've made something clear, that no, acceptance isn't as easy as people make it seem, I'm already miserable, God forgive me if I don't jump in head first to a life long commitment of staying that way.