There was a time in my life when my heart would ignite upon unexpectedly crossing paths with a beautiful boy, seeng such beauty would instantly make me feel the essence of life itself like a warm sunshine reaching into the depths of my darkened heart and awakening my soul, my physical body would always respond in the form a short gasp tensing my body as he snatched my breath away from me, then a sense of owe forming into a smile......

I can no longer feel any of that, now days upon seeing such beauty all I feel inside me is a painful breaking feeling, sometimes it feels like a pair of sharp claws taearing up my insides other times like a dark stormy shadow that encompasses what feels like is my heart and my soul, I find myself instantly depressed and a sense of mourning, the reaction again is almost instant.

I don't know why its changed or whats happening to me but it seems to be getting worse as lately I have found my self just wanting to literally die or to hurt myself every time I catch sight of a boy and I find my eyes filled with tears during the most inappropriate times in public places, so I no longer go out to public places and avoid areas where there may be boys as seeing them leaves me suicidal and causes me pain but why I don't really understand ?