hmmm...I've wondered myself if I became a BL because of a long friendship I had as a boy that was cut off, with no 'replacement' friend after it. We were born 6 months apart, next door to each other. Grew up best friends, spent more time at each other's houses than our own. Went to school together, and were generally around each other more often than not, until I moved to a different country at 11yo and never saw him again (well, 12 years later when I went back to visit, but by then we didn't mean anything to each other anymore).

when I started my 'new life' I never made a friend I really cared about. Actually, all of my friends were very superficial, mostly school-only or church-only. As I hit puberty and stopped being a boy I still wanted to be around younger folks, wanted to be younger myself, but never really acted on it cause I figured how strange it would seem to other people. So I fantasized, and waited. I did like girls, but not on an emotional level (purely biological hehe).

So then we moved to a new place (for the 7th time in 7 years) and right away I start eyeing the neighbors across the street. 2 boys, probably 9 & 11yo. Fit all of my current 'ideal boy' qualities. "Not bad", I think. Now, if I could just get to be their friend. "Oh, but it'll never happen. Forget it."

So it happens. My 13yo brother befriends them and they're ALWAYS in our house. They like me. I start getting hopeful.

Now, one of the boys has a friend, our next-door neighbor, who I've seen before but never stopped to consider. "Not my type". Since he and my brother's friends are always together he eventually starts coming to our house as well. And I don't like him. I think he's annoying and uneven and showy and...well, you get the point.

While I keep considering the 11yo from all possible angles, his friend I don't like starts branching off from the little group and often finds his way to my room. Or by my side. Now, I wasn't the coolest teenager by any stretch of the imagination. I was into Classical Music, Art Films, Books, Hi-Fi Equipment, non-USA soccer, and Boys of course (but no one knew, duh). Not wanting to be rude, I humor him, and just try to be nice for its own sake; and we start talking from time to time.
He asks me all these questions I really have to think about to give a good answer, he tells me stuff about his life, makes me laugh, and actually respects me. And I start considering him not as a pest and really paying attention, after months of just having him there cause he wanted to and I didn't wanna kick him out.

We became good friends eventually. He liked to talk, and I liked to listen. We started hanging out by ourselves, and playing and stuff without the rest of the pack. He craved attention, and I went out of my way to give it to him. He made me smile, and he knew it, often blackmailing me into doing his deviant little will (it wasn't as bad as all that sounds).

Unexplainably, I never questioned the nature of our relationship. I was too happy and too busy spending time with him to care. But then something happened: ("Oh, why'd you do it? Couldn't you just repress it, where those things belong?") I looked into his eyes, and in an instant I'll never forget, he looked back into mine and 'I knew'. I could tell cause as soon as it happened he looked like he would've taken it back if he could, but I was past the point of no return.
When I 'truly' saw those eyes for the first time something hit me so hard I could not believe it. I loved him. But how? But why? The internal monologue started, but it didn't matter because I LOVED HIM, and I didn't know anything that ever felt this good in my 18yo existence.

That's how THAT started. My YF (let's just call him "CB" for conciseness from now on). Yah. But that was 5 years ago. Lots has happened in 5 years. And now Mr. Adam Rippon's making me rethink myself. Hmmmm....maybe I CAN be gay! Not that it's necessarily a good thing.
If I could just get an emotional connection to a female! Fat chance. I haven't had a YF since CB back then, my only one. I've had plenty of chances, but always felt so self aware about it I didn't deem it wise to pursue further.

I'll stop now. Better keep my endless psychoanalytical musings in small doses or else everytime you guys see a 'gaakz' post you'll think "should I click on it? I mean, he never shuts up. It'll be LONG and pretentious and obsessive and obsessive and obsessive and not as entertaining as HE thinks it is". And I certainly don't want that. Just like being detailed.