When I was twelve, me and my best friend where sleeping in the same bed. I began teasing him by taking his own limp hand and making him slap himself in the face. Silly boys. He said (and I'm doing my VERY best to give the EXACT wording)

"My hand will go wherever you want it to."
Well, you can guess where I put his hand.
Yes, in my pants.
He began playing with me and I pulled his pants down and we both fondled each other. This was the first time I purposely acted out sexually.

Before this I just had a 13 year old tell me he was going to do something to me that felt good.

But no, I saught my best friend out. I wanted him. I did. For four years, in the same bed in the same room - every weekend he was available we touched each other, pulled each others pants down and performed oral sex on each other. Another time in an open field. Another time in the shower. So many experiences. We had moved into another house by this time and for a short time we continued our acts, and one day when I was 15 - he said he wanted to stop.

I was heartbroken, even though I never showed it.

My next 'partner' wasn't even a partner it was a boy I had a crush on (remember I was only 16 at the time, and he was 14)
and I only got to touch him once before I realized this wasn't a good idea.
Then when we where 17, my friend I talked about above spent the night again. I looked at him and simply said
"Jerk me."
He looked at me and said "Seriously?" and I nodded.
We instantly stripped and sat in a position facing each other where our penis' where touching each other and we took turns stoking both of us at the same time.

This happened a couple of more times, then he had to leave the state for a few months for family, and when we came back and I had been seeing a therapist. And I told him "promise me we won't do it again" and he agreed.


That was the stupidest thing I've ever said. I told this whole story to say that. I thought I would be able to overcome these feelings. And I told him we can't do it again.
Wow, i'm an idiot.

He comes over and I just want to tell him
"Look, I know you've been dating someone 2.5 years. I know. I just want to let you know, that I'm here. And I love you as a friend, and I love you more then a friend."

I want to tell him SO bad that if he ever wanted to be sexual again I would welcome him with open arms.
I think, no - I dream about it every night. I wake up in a horny sweat at least twice. It's killing me.
I don't want to make him choose between me and her, because I may not like the answer. 50% chance he'll want to be with me. 50% chance he wouldn't want to be with me. 100% chance that if he doesn't want to be with me, that could shake our friendship.
And that's the last thing I want. I was sleeping peacefully next to him in bed when I woke up - dreaming about him, and decided to come put it all down somewhere in hopes of a better night's sleep.

Hope the details were not too inappropriate - that wasn't the purpose :)

-Youth??