ever since i first started having attractions for boys, i've been very self destructive in all those relationships.

at a certain point, i start this pattern of insecurity where i really believe that things wont work out and so i purposely sabotage it so i dont have to dread it happening everyday like a knife hanging over my head. the number of boys (who really like me) that i've pushed away and forced myself to be a complete dick to...i cant even count.

i think the main problem is my insecurities, my unrealistic expectations of getting whatever in return, and fear of failure and loss.

ive recently done this again and i was just going through some records (emails, messages, etc) and although i've always known i was like this, the pattern of it all really jumped out at me this time.

the thing is i know it's a habit i've had for nearly half of my life now and it's a deadend. it prevents me from having any meaningful, longterm relationships because im so scared of losing people i really care about that i'd rather end it myself.

im posting all this here because theres no way i can talk about any of this stuff with anyone i know in real life. i also want to announce that im trying to make a stand here and really change something fundamental about myself. it's an experiment, it may fail, it will be hard, but im really going to try.